the un-bride plays (fix a) house

holiday joy, part 2

2010-12-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

Conceptual snowman:
Yes, that's from the wedding. Those things took effing forever to make ... I am NOT throwing them away. If you see me with a pair of them swinging from my earlobes, don't you dare laugh.

holiday joy

2010-12-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

What? ... that's not enough?
Okay, FINE. Off to the mall, grumble grumble, general Grinchiness, grrrrrr.

Lucy's first (best) trick

2010-11-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

the Lucy channel

2010-11-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

I was admonished recently by a friend (hi, T!!) for not getting doggie pictures up here yet. I know ... I know. But I've just been kinda hanging out with her, you know? Nonetheless, T's right: it's time to share our puppy's cuteness with the world. I'll be posting several times (soonish?) in reverse chronological order, as is the usual here in BlogLand.

First, the early days*:
*Seriously, this creature gets visibly larger by the day. The Mr. & I keep looking at her paws & laughing about how we are so fucked.

This is the first time she hung out with me while I got ready for an audition. She's really good about chilling in the bathroom ... as long as she has access to a potty pad, and I let her lick water off my hand from the shower.

Also: could you effing die?!?! Those polka dots. And those ears. And that face. **
** Stylish red collar that compliments her coloring beautifully selected by The Mr. -- credit where it's due.

Well, hello there! This seems like a good time to formally explain what I've already given away: her name is Lucy. Technically, she's Dame Lucille HisLastName. (She totally needed the honorific -- the doggie across the street is a "Dr.") She's named after one of my grandmothers, which is cool because my kitty (kisses in heaven, Lady B) was named after one of my great grandmas, and I like making a tradition out of it. Also, she just looks like a Lucy, doesn't she?

She was barely 3 months old when we found her at the city shelter near us*** -- can you believe anybody could let that face get away?! And we've been having lots (read: "lots") of fun with potty training. We're down to about 1 accident a day, which is actually a massive accomplishment. And she's pretty solid with "sit!" & "stay!" ... next step: "off!"

More to follow ... above ... silly formatting.

*** This shelter is really well-run, and there are all kinds of sweet animals there that need loving homes. Dogs, cats, bunnies -- they have everything. And the people who work there are nice. If you're local & considering a pet, please rescue.

ohmigodwe'regettingadoggie!!

2010-10-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

We're gonna be pet parents tomorrow! Well, technically, we already are, officially, but we get custody of our new daughter tomorrow. (No photos yet, sorry. Tomorrow in the p.m.) We went to the local shelter yesterday & fell in love. I personally found 5 or 6 dogs, 2 cats & a couple of bunnies that I wanted to bring home, but the Mr. insists that we start slowly. Drat him & his "practicality".

I want to call her Dame Judy Dench. The Mr. wants to call her Snooki. Which really is remarkably illustrative of the yin & the yang of us.

can we all calm down about Colbert ... please?!

2010-09-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

To everyone out there in 24 Hour Media Land who has their panties in a twist about Stephen Colbert testifying before Congress ... ahem:

"Elmo is the only non-human or puppet ever to testify before the U.S. Congress. At the request and with the assistance of Rep. Duke Cunningham, he testified before the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services and Education in April 2002, urging support for increased funding in music education." source

I'm all for better funding for music education. (Full disclosure: I was a marching band geek. And the school one town over from us, which actually funded its music program, routinely kicked our asses.) Music education is a good thing. Even when it's proposed by a douchebag who's currently serving time in an Arizona jail for major financial malfeasance.

As a general rule, hypocrisy makes my blood boil. And while Colbert may have remained in character during his testimony, at least he's human. And capable of speaking without having some guy's hand rammed up his butt. At least, as far as we know.

Your move, Pundit Nation.

getting it wrong on purpose

2010-09-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

Seen at the Las Vegas airport baggage claim:

If you barely glance the ad (like I did), you could think for just a moment (like I did) that Andrew Dice Clay had joined the Blue Man Group. And I kind of want to live in a world where that would happen.

Imagine the Blue Man show with a 4th guy, still painted blue, but also wearing a leather jacket & chain smoking. He has zero percussive abilities, and keeps breaking the "no talking" rule to lob F-bombs. Especially when random Blue Man machinery whizzes past his head -- he can't dance, either, and doesn't know the show's choreography -- he slept through all the rehearsals because he was still drunk from the night before.

It could happen ... I mean, seriously, how many other offers do you think the Dice Man is getting these days? Also, why do I feel like I just described many of this week's performances on Dancing With The Stars?

another reason to hate Target, plus some random silliness

2010-09-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

Please don't hate me -- I ordered it before I read about Target's political fuckwittery. (And yes, it's taken me this long to open it. Your point is ...?) So now that that's settled: check out this noise:

Gee, guys ... way to use efficient, earth-friendly packaging. Douche nozzles.

(Just to settle wtf that thing is: it's a shoe rack. Current Score: Last 2 moving boxes in the bedroom: 0, Me: 1.)

And from the Dept. of Proof That Everything is Political, I bring you a literal transcription of texting 'twixt me & the Mr. yesterday:

Me: I went to the free neighborhood poo pile*, and they were out of poo!

Him: I hear the Tea Party rallies are full of shit. Try there.

I heart him.

* the City of L.A. provides free mulch. Or at least, it did. It looks like the Budget Crisis has gotten so bad, they literally can't give us shit anymore. Thanks, Mayor Asshat.

well, that flew by ...

2010-08-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure about this tree ...

2010-08-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

Our banana tree is making babies. That part I'm sure about. What I'm not sure about is how it's making them. As you can see, our "tree" is actually three separate trees in close proximity. And once I got past worrying about whether or not it was going to die (things grown from cuttings look rough for a while, kids) I was pleased to see it thriving. And then I noticed these little guys:

And this dude:

and this brazen fellow:

Here's the thing: I'm home during the day at wildly varying hours, and I get home from teaching pretty late. The Mr. leaves for work at first light. Neither of us has ever seen these trees getting it on. When the heck are they doing it? Do they hear us coming & straighten up, brushing off any telltale dirt & fluffing their leaves like sofa cushions?

Also: three trees reproducing = who are the parents?!? Is there an awkward arboreal love triangle in my backyard? Are the kinky bastards involved in some kind of hippie banana commune "free love" arrangement? (Kinda redefines "tree-hugger", doesn't it?)

One thing is for sure, though. Based on the complexion of the babies, I think we can rule out the red banana from the other side of the yard:

Which is kind of surprising ... I totally had him pegged as the neighborhood perv.

breaking in the house

2010-08-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

We've survived a couple of firsts recently:

1) Our 1st House Guest: His Mom came to visit for a long weekend. We had a blast -- although we learned a very important lesson about the movies in the cemetary: If the line is off the lawn, you won't make it in before dark/ in time to enjoy your picnic before the movie starts. And if it's wrapped around the corner onto Gower, abandon ship. (Side note: the movie that night was "Airplane!" ... wtf, people? Freakin' "Airplane!" brought out the hordes?)

We did some other cool stuff, too -- she even came & took one of my classes. (And loved it -- phew!) And we now have an air mattress that fits quite nicely in the office/ 2nd bedroom, so we're primed & ready to accommodate future comers.

2) Our 1st Dinner Party: Our friends L. (who was Best Man in the wedding) and his girlfriend S. came to hang for the evening. I managed to cook up a meal that didn't a) set off the smoke alarm, or b) kill anybody, so I'm calling the evening a success! Also, I finally managed not to come in last in the game of Scrabble we played after dinner -- the Mr. has a really annoying habit of always kicking my ass. But with non-family members involved, I came in 2nd! (Note to self ... write that down.) I suspect that the bottle of Glenlivet we were slowly killing while we played had something to do with leveling the field, but who cares? Victory-adjacent is mine!

Also: it appears that I do, in fact, still have some things to say about the house. So perhaps I'll keep this blog on topic for those purposes, and start a 2nd one for my cranky ramblings. Because I am pretty cranky. It just got a little out of hand yesterday ... probably on account of that whole mouth-full-of-blood thing.

hello? is this thing on?

2010-08-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone out there is still reading this thing ... my prolonged lack of posting seems to have driven most of my darling readers away. But just in case anybody is still out there -- I'm feeling a need to change things up.

Partly because there's plenty of stuff in the news these days that has me riled (a brief list to follow shortly), and partly because I just need something to DO right now. Auditions have hit the summer doldrums, I'm barely interested in talking about the damned house (let alone my original topic of the damned wedding) so I sure as hell don't expect anyone else to give a flying rat's butt ... and because I had a minor oral surgery this morning & the stitches just dissolved. And I'm hungry, but the whole mouthful-of-blood thing isn't exactly appetizing. (Also, it's weirdly making me feel like I constantly need to pee. So this may take a while ....)

So I guess what I'm saying is brace yourselves. Or stop reading (if you haven't already.) I promise no hard feelings.

******************************************************************************************

THINGS THAT ARE PISSING ME OFF (did I mention there will still be lots of swearing? Because I still suck at not-swearing.):

*Obama not suspending Don't Ask, Don't Tell

*Glenn Beck

*L.A. having no viable public transportation

*Menstrual cramps

THINGS THAT I THINK ARE AWESOME:

*Puppies. And bunnies. And kitties. Anything with 4 feet & fur, basically.

*Air conditioning

*Not having a mouthful of blood

*This American Life

*A new suggestion for supporters of Prop 8 -- one that I'm happy to get behind!

******************************************************************************************

Also, I think this is pretty funny:

it's finally happened

2010-08-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

Things I have recently acquired:

I guess it was inevitable ... and it only took 10 years. Looks like I'm officially an American again. (In the interest of full disclosure, I also own a pair of cowboy boots. But I bought them for a costume, so I'm not sure if that counts.)

attention all wives: HIDE!!!

2010-08-06T10:47:00.001-07:00

This is just too awesome not to repost. Consider it a Public Service Announcement.

Found here.

me: quite contrary

2010-07-24T21:32:00.001-07:00

I don't call ... I don't write ... I sure as hell don't blog ...

... but oh, how my garden grows:

Also: just because it's overcast doesn't mean you can't burn. And I knew this ... but now I know this.

victory over Swedish Hieroglyph Man!

2010-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

We just successfully assembled our kitchen table.

I only made one egregious mistake along the way. I consider that a victory. (Those are Temporary Chairs. Real Chairs to follow, as soon as we agree on some.)

the incubator

2010-06-04T16:55:00.001-07:00

There's much to report on the progress of converting our yard from a weed's field of dreams into something that we're willing to let people come over & see. I'm woefully behind in posting about it -- mostly because I've been outside getting a) filthy, and b) unintentionally tan as I try to make the transformation happen.

Also, our outdoors has invaded our indoors, where the bay window shelf in our kitchen has proved to be the perfect place to start growing seeds into larger green things. (As for the one item that I transplanted to our great outdoors, well, the less said about that the better. It's a learning curve, dammit.)

Backlit though it may be,I think you get the idea.

Oh, and are those rubber goldfish in our zen fountain?

Why, yes, Yes, they are. Because that's how we roll.

we were SO ahead of this trend

2010-06-04T16:39:00.001-07:00

Remember this tender moment from our reception?

The one (and subsequently only) time our guests tried the "dance, monkeys!" tactic of tapping their glasses to make us kiss, we let them know we weren't playing that way.

And then last night, on the "Kiss Cam" at game 1 of the NBA finals, this happened:

via TMZ

Yes, the bigger, uglier cousin of glass-tapping-for-smooches zeroed in on Dustin Hoffman, who rather than turning to his wife (seated to his left in the top photo) planted one on Jason Bateman.

Not only is this the funniest thing I saw today, and a very welcome improvement to the usual "Look, Celebrities!" atmosphere at Lakers Games (because who else can afford the effing tickets?!) ... but with all the homophobic crap out there in the world (Rekers, Foley, Haggard, Craig, Allen, Murphy Jr., Massa, Prop 8 -- shall I go on?) it just makes me smile on a whole 'nother level.

the garden of misfit toys, pt. 1

2010-04-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the shadows in some of these pictures -- but if I waited for ideal lighting conditions, I'd get distracted by something shiny & forget altogether. And then where would we be? Probably in the same location, physically, but photoless. Photoless, people! And I refuse to let that happen.

Ahem. Where was I? Oh, right -- outside. Scavenging on Craigslist for free things. It turns out that there are a lot of people re-doing their outdoorsy areas this time of year. And most of them hate to see things get thrown away. So if you're willing to put in a little work (aka dig it out of the ground yourself), you can take it away for free. For free, people! I know! That's totally my favorite price!

First up: the papyrus. I drove down to Long Beach to get this, from a very nice man who wanted it out of his yard. It was raining that day, but by some miracle I managed to get to the digging just as the weather went to "heavy mist that threatened to start pouring again any moment." So I tried to work fast. And discovered that papyrus is effing hard to dig up. There was a lot of sweating involved, and more swearing than I'll get specific about since some of our family members read this blog (hi!). Suffice to say that by the time I was headed home with 5 giant trash bags full of plants & rhizomes (the rooty-type things), there was no way I was putting them into the ground that same day. I didn't care if it could survive overnight that way -- I was willing to take a chance on having just driven 15 miles to do some manual labor for a complete stranger. I was that tired.

Good news: it lived! Well, kinda. The green bits turned brown after a few days, and we had a lovely bunch of stick-looking things lining our front fence. But I persisted, and we currently have new growth! (I feel like a mad scientist at times: "It's ALIVE!!!") Hopefully it'll get with the growing quickly, and start covering up the ugly wrought iron fence.

Next up: the agave. The former owner of these just had too many of them to deal with -- and the mother plant who threw off these "babies" was a 25-foot-across monster. These make me happy because I basically just jammed them in the ground -- no mulch, special soil, fertilizer or any of that. You've gotta love desert plants. (Incidentally, we're aiming for all drought-tolerant stuff, for obvious reasons. But it turns out that some of them need extra water &/or attention while it's getting established in a new place. Like that sneaky papyrus.)

I thought it was wise to put them against the wall, since they have pokey bits. The big one is presiding over something that's really cool: our firesticks.

Those are an African-type succulent with a really bad-ass defense mechanism. If you break off part of it, it emits this white milky stuff -- lots of it -- that itches like crazy (or so I was told -- I'm not eager to test it, so I just stay a respectful distance away & say complimentary things. I don't want it to turn on me.)

The same guy who gave me the firesticks was super-generous -- when he heard that we were just getting started on our yard, he gave me a bunch of other stuff and told me how to care for it. (The plant people are, thus far, kind of amazing.) Lots of jade plants:

(better pics to come), a bunch of aloe & a cactus that's supposed to grow white flowers,

and several snake plants.

Like I said: amazing. And so far, they're all thriving (by which I mean Not Dead). So hooray on all accounts!

Lastly, there are a few things that I (gasp!) paid for. But I bought them from people who were thinning out their own gardens, for super-cheap. (We have thus far spent about $85 on plants, and this post isn't even half of it.) Here, we have a bunch of cannas (the whale tail-looking things) and fortnight lilies (the fan-shaped ones) with some purple apple ground cover in between. These want more water than the other stuff, and they're being pretty damn coy about whether or not they're happy ... but yesterday I saw new growth on the cannas. The ground cover is another story -- it's turned yellow in some places, but it's also spreading and producing new flowers -- so I have no idea what to think. (In case it wasn't already abundantly clear, I spend a lot of my outdoors time confused.)

And I also got 2 hibiscus plants, which are staying exactly the same size but not visibly ailing. Brats.

There was also a cutting of an angel's trumpet that did really well for a few days ... but it's clearly dead now. Sorry, no photo of that -- it's too depressing.

I, scavenger

2010-04-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

photo credit

I've been outside a lot lately. And I've learned many things -- firstly, that I'm better at applying sunscreen than bug spray. Secondly, that the jury's still out regarding my ability to keep outdoorsy-plants amongst the living.

Allow me to explain: I have a unique ability to kill houseplants. It's extreme -- so much so, that I've used it as an excuse when people ask me why I don't have children. It's a talent that I believe I inherited from my mom (and in direct contrast to both of our talents when it comes to furry, four-legged types, I hasten to add.) I know that as I child I saw her dehydrate a cactus, and she may have supervised the expiration of a silk plant or two. And I am definitely her daughter when it comes to matters botanical. If ficuses had post offices, my picture would be on posters there.

But: I've heard that these things are easier out-of-doors. Or "easier", at any rate. As one might expect, I'm a bit hesitant to dive right into an expensive landscaping scheme before I properly evaluate my own planticidal tendencies ... which has led me to the greatest source of free-except-for-the-hassle-factor greenery on the planet: Craigslist.

The upside: we won't be out more than gas money if stuff dies. (Okay, fine: "if".) The downside: my strategy is at the mercy of what's being offered, an how well eHow.com advises me on not killing it. So we're sort of building ourselves the Garden of Misfit Toys. But I believe in my little freak plants. Even the ones that insist on looking a bit like they need some caffeine & a plant brassiere (you know -- for the drooping).

Pictures tomorrow -- it was too dark tonight, by the time I'd finished today's transplant. Dr. Frankenstein has nothing on my yard.

the great outdoors

2010-04-10T12:57:00.001-07:00

When last we chatted, the yard was looking like this:Better than weed-a-palooza, perhaps, but still leaving "a bit" to be desired. Enter the heavy machinery!!
For the record: yes, the nice men at Home Depot will laugh at you, the scrawny blonde chick, as they help you load the giant roto-tiller into your Beetle. And yes, you "may" need to call the Mr. at work when you get it home & realize that you cannot get it out of your car unassisted. And it's definitely a bad idea to use your body weight to steer it, since it weighs considerably more than you do, especially when your job requires you to wear shorts most of the time and you have to explain repeatedly that "No, nobody is beating me."

BUT: once you take all of that into consideration, you have yourself a fun and noisy (Zöe was not pleased) way to make sure those weeds don't come back!
Why is it that when most people picture "woman gardening" in their heads, it involves someone genteel in a sun hat amongst lots of flowers, but when I try it, it involves heavy machinery that could maim a person? Also, why do my arms look like they belong on a dude in this picture? WTF?!?

Ahem. Moving along. So: after 2 days of tilling, during which both the Mr. & I pretty much exhausted ourselves in an effort to avoid paying another day's rental fee, we had clean tilled dirt. And my daily scouring of Craigslist began to pay off.
Thanks to D. in Hacienda Heights, who wanted his river rocks gone so he could plant some grass. (Free, folks -- my favorite price!)

And thanks to S. in Reseda, who's re-doing her backyard & wanted her Heavenly Bamboo gone. Bonus: it's not actually bamboo, which means it won't attack the foundation & sidewalk. Also: another freebie (plus a little manual labor to dig them out of the ground.)

That's the reverse angle.

And since I tend to get overly excited about things, I figured I may as well build some raised garden beds, where we can plant things that smell good and may even turn out to be edible:
I found the instructions online -- they're upside down here, waiting for me to dig holes for the corner pegs. And yes, the nice men at Home Depot will laugh at you as you cram a few 10'-long boards into your Beetle. Why does everyone keep mistaking me for a damsel in distress, I wonder? Not only am I not distressed (at the moment, anyway), but I'm pretty sure I don't even qualify as a damsel ....

Oh, and just because we're so effing proud of ourselves: We seem to have finished the kitchen!
Well, except for the stove & a table. But those can wait until we get our tax refund ... unless I find 'em for free on Craigslist.

we're Zöe-sitting!

2010-03-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

**ATTENTION, EVERYONE WHO WAS CONFUSED BY THE EARLIER POST THAT REFERENCED THIS ANIMAL: THIS IS NOT OUR DOG! DO YOU REALLY THINK THE MR. WOULD GO FOR A CHIHUAHUA?!**

(Thank you. We now return to our regularly scheduled ramblings.)

We are officially Zöe-sitting! My friend B. is freezing her buttock-region off in New York, while we are looking after her darling creature (pictured above). And though I remain a huge fan of The NYC, I feel pretty secure in the notion that I got the better end of this deal.

This experiment is a) a test-run for our ability to make our lives accommodate a 4-legged furry creature, and b) an excuse for me to talk in a silly voice & "legitimately" blame it on someone else. So far, so good on both counts.

four cool things

2010-03-23T18:46:00.000-07:00

1) It's kind of awe-inspiring, all piled up in one place:
And in the morning it will go buh-bye.

2) These are hooked up now:
For the first time in a decade, I don't need quarters to get clean underwear.

3) My friend J. is moving this weekend ... and she's taking ALL of our moving boxes.

4) Today is Z-minus-1 day & counting!!!

my latest project, aka why I ache

2010-03-22T19:30:00.001-07:00

Our fabulous little house was vacant for almost exactly a year by the time we moved in. Frankly, I was surprised that the yard hadn't gone more to-seed. To wit:

Our little patch of at-least-they-didn't-pave-everything on the right-hand side there looked pretty normal. Blank-slate-ish, almost. And then it rained.

It rained a lot. For a long time (for L.A., anyway). And this happened:

To use a local expression ... duuuuuuude.

Actually, we didn't think it was so bad -- at least it's green, right? Sure, we started to get flyers for landscaping services on our gate every day. Okay, fine, fair enough. But it wasn't a priority (hello, bathroom?).

Then we got a notice from the city about fire hazards & fines for non-compliance with brush-clearing ordinances.

Dammit.

The Mr. suggested acquiring a weed whacker from the nearby Home Despot. I countered that unless we yanked those babies out by the roots, we'd just be caught in an endless cycle of brush-clearance despair. (Side note to the neighbors I suspect were laughing at us during the Puffy Yard Stage: at least we don't park cars on it, n'est pas?) And just in case you were hoping (you? okay, me -- I was hoping) that said roots were shallow & not-so-hardy, behold:

In other news, I've discovered that gloves aren't for pussies ... they're for people who don't like bleeding.

Anyway: after a few days of "perhaps" overdoing it (where "perhaps" = lying in bed at night, unable to make a fist because my hands were so swollen), I produced this:

Also, it turns out that the city of L.A. will pick up as much yard waste as you can bag/bundle once a year for free! -- which is a good thing, because we are about 25 Hefty bags past our green trash bin's capacity. Why so many? Did I mention I did the backyard, too?

It's cool -- I know I'm insane.

I also have plans. They're modest plans, at least to start, and they involve scouring Craigslist daily for free stuff we can use to make a desert-friendly garden (because we live in the desert, folks. There are no lawns in the effing desert! Ahem.) For starters, I want to hide our lovely retaining wall with some of these:

photo credit

I ordered 4 "starter sized" plants, and seeds for some smaller ones like these:

photo credit

all at Amazon. As soon as they arrive, we'll see if I can manage to not kill them. Because it's important to have goals, kids. Write that down.

moving in, part deux

2010-03-22T19:16:00.000-07:00

I was dreading today, because I thought it would be larger. And by "it", I mean this:

We'd just started getting a handle on things -- most of it was put away, except for the few boxes that were awaiting the return of furniture-they-get-stored-in ... and that furniture was in The Box.

Contents of The Box = everything that didn't fit into the apartment after we merged households. (It sounds so sexy when I describe it like that, doesn't it?) I was scared because I hadn't seen The Box before today -- it was packed (like a mutha!) by the Mr. at his old apartment. And I'd heard that it was the world's biggest game of Tetris ever to pack it. (See below -- it totally was.) But once I saw the actual size, and realized that if you took into account his mattress & box spring, dresser, bedside table, desk & bookcase (all items we were definitely needing), it couldn't be that bad. Right? Well:

Wow. Well played, babe. It's just like moving in all over again ... hooray.

We've already consigned the futon mattress set & lots of t-shirts he's managed to live a healthy & fruitful life without for the last 6 months to the Donate Bin. If they didn't already love us at our local Out of the Closet, they haven't seen anything yet.

la cucina

2010-03-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Ah, what a difference 2 days & a great big heap of OCD* make. To wit:

We seem to have a kitchen.

I can't believe how much bigger the room looks since we took down the cabinets that flanked the window. (And thanks to my friend M who suggested we put them in the garage, where we can still use them. Brilliant!) Also, it was totally worth the effort & caustic chemicals involved in getting rid of the "oak" veneer ... or as the Mr. has dubbed it, "fauk". Now all we need to do is hang the shelves above the window-adjacent counter. And buy a stove.

I feel obligated to show the reverse angle, for some perverse reason. Or maybe just to reassure myself that there's a whole lot of Project remaining.
Behold: left) the aforementioned shelves, and right) Future Site of Our Kitchen Table.

*I "may" have alphabetized the spice drawer. No, you can't see a picture.**

**Okay, fine:
(for some reason Blogger won't rotate the picture -- oh well.)

repurposing v1.0

2010-03-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

Behold, the 1st in a possibly-many-parted series:

Some of it, we're selling on Craigslist/Bravo Bride/ etc. And the rest of it, well ...

A) at the wedding:

B) after the wedding:

Just doing my part to keep the planet green.

now that the bathroom's done ...

2010-03-02T15:03:00.001-08:00

Yay!:

Not-so-yay:

Work continues ...

pretty pictures!

2010-02-21T13:02:00.000-08:00

Finally:
The formerly lead-paint tainted closet doors have been taken outside, stripped, sanded, repainted, given new hardware & re-hung. Now a) we're cool if any children or pregnant women want to come over & lick our walls, and b) I can put my shoes away. Good times.

And from the Tah-Dah! Dept:
I think the towel bar should be a little lower ... but screw it. We have a bathroom! For those of you who are keeping score at home, this pic features:
Pedestal sink from Home Depot: $214
Light from Restoration Hardware Outlet: $52
Bead Board from Stock Lumber: approx $2.50/sq. ft.

It's really hard to photograph a shower that's perpetually back-lit during the day, but hopefully you can tell that we have two (2!!) shower heads -- a rain bath in the ceiling, and a hand-held on the wall.

The storage would be completely installed & allowing me to unpack some of those effing boxes marked "bathroom", if it wasn't for the broken hinge-thingy from Ikea. The Mr. got us a replacement one yesterday, but since I don't speak Needlessly Cruel Swedish Drawings, I'm waiting for contractor-guy to install it tomorrow.
Shelves: $6 each
Brackets: $10/pair
Cabinet: $89
all Ikea
(And yes, I know the brackets don't quite reach the front of the shelves. Since we only plan to store towels on them, I figure they'll hold.

I imagine those will feel really good under foot. I could tell you that with certainty if it wasn't for the fact that we have no hot water in there. As in: I was standing there for over five minutes watching the water run, taunting me with its refusal to rise above Icy Cold. Wrapped in a towel, Ready. To. Bathe. At. Home! I placed a call to contractor-guy, who informed me that he hadn't yet tested/adjusted/what-the-fuck-evered the water yet, but he plans to in the morning. Oh my effing god my shower is a cock tease somebody help me!!! Also: to the students in the 2 classes I have to teach this afternoon -- I'm sorry.

But other than that, I'm rather pleased with how the color scheme turned out. The Mr. has expressed doubts about the shower curtain's stripey-ness (Thomas O'Brien for Target), but I think it ties in the tiles, towels & wall pattern rather extremely-genius-like. Or maybe I'm just giddy from the fumes?

aaaaand we're back!!!

2010-02-16T23:21:00.000-08:00

Phew! I was seriously turning a shade somewhere between cerulean & indigo there, waiting for our FUCKING INTERWEBS TO GET WORKING. Ahem. I'm sorry. I don't mean to swear. (Really. I try not to. I just suck at not-swearing.)

In case anyone has been wondering about the brevity/simplicity of my recent (aka post-move) posts, allow me to elucidate: We had DSL service at the apartment, with a small-ish provider whose service/pricing/support we adored. So naturally we tried to just shift our account with them to the new Owned By Us address. We had to wait 5 (five!!) days, because AT&T makes you suffer if you don't use their 'net service, for the phone to get "turned on". I guess the guy who had to flip a switch was busy that week. Anyway, once the 5-day time frame had elapsed: still no 'net. So we called, and were asked to wait ANOTHER 2 (two!!) days for a technician to come out & investigate.

Which he did. I was here. And a Very Large Dude, who was surprisingly friendly AND helpful, played with some wires outside the house (even though it was raining). And he diagnosed us as 3000 ft. too far from the DSL hub to get service. (Insert Lumbergh voice here:) "Greeaaaaat."

So: back to square 1. Call cable company. They'll come out in 3 (three!!) business days. Except that the 3rd day was Effing President's Day. (Stoopid Presidents.) So we just. finally. got. service. today.

(By the by, my interim posts were made via a nifty iPhone app called BlogWriter. I was very pleased with the results. Get the free version, unless you have the urge to post photos -- then it's a worthwhile $1.99. But you can't delete posts ... hence the bewildering stuff that I just got rid of, from my "learning curve" phase.)

At any rate: Howdy! I'm still here! And we still have no bathroom to speak of. (Epic Construction Timing Fail.) But here's what we do have:
An uber-fancy new light/fan, with switches that independently control both functions! And paint! And some bead board (slightly visible)!

A couple of fixtures! Including a rain bath shower head, and that awesome outlet-find light for over the (eventually) medicine cabinet.

And various kinds of flooring! That's the river rock stuff in the shower floor, and those (totally my fault, expensive-ish) penny tiles on the rest of the floor. Also, a better look at the bead board.

Now all we need is for the Effing Grout to dry, so we can re-connect the toilet. That's all I care to say about that ... except that NO, I'm NOT enjoying this part.

baby steps, Bob

2010-02-12T22:22:00.001-08:00

We have (some) tile. And drywall ... some of it primed. Great things are ahead -- I can feel it. And by "great things" I mean "showering at home".

Dare to dream, kids. Dare to dream.

suspended animation

2010-02-09T13:12:00.001-08:00

We're still here -- showerless, waiting on, well, lots of things. We waited an extra day for the city inspector to make it back here -- he needed to check the spacing of the nails in the drywall. Yes, really. I'm currently waiting on a tech from AT&T to come enlighten us about our failure to get our DSL up & running. (Two weeks and counting without Internet -- I am NOT amused.) And since it's raining we'll likely be back another day while we wait for the plaster to dry. Meanwhile all the moving boxes marked "bathroom" are just sitting here, waiting for there to be someplace to unpack them to.

I'll get some more pictures up soon ... as soon as there's progress of which to take pictures.

pretty!

2010-02-05T13:44:00.001-08:00

We got our tile ... and it's getting installed on Monday. I can't WAIT to stop showering at work.

this was smelly

2010-02-03T11:02:00.001-08:00

But we're one step closer to having a shower.

moving day

2010-01-30T09:52:00.001-08:00

(This is an experiment, since we're without home Internet service until Friday (the horror! The horror!) I'm testing an iPhone app that may or may not work ... fingers crossed.)

We moved yesterday. We have to go back over this weekend & clean, so that the landlord will give us at least part of our deposit back -- but we spent last night in our new house. Good news: the heater works brilliantly, and the roosters at least shut up at night. Bad news: we NEED to finish the closets so we can start putting stuff away!

So: good-bye awesome Thai place on the corner, hello awesome Mexican place 2 blocks down. Good-bye screaming kid & neighbor learning the trumpet, hello very enthusiastic roosters across the street. Good-bye apartment ... hello house!

Also, I really hope the contractors get the shower done soon. Otherwise this could get smelly.

tile story

2010-01-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

I alluded to Tile I no longer want in yesterday's post ... allow me to explain: I started off thinking that we "had" to have glass tiles in the shower, preferably in the subway style pictured here:
And then we started pricing the stuff. The cheapest we could find it in a color we like (similar to the above pic, actually) was $17/square foot. Yikes! So in a dazzling display of design flexibility, we've changed course: we're keeping the shape, but changing the color & material. Ceramic tile in matte white (for some reason I'm really digging the non-shiny finish) like this:

image source

only costs $4.50/square foot**. Much better.

I had the idea to get penny tiles for the flooring, which will now be non-white, so as to avoid making the bathroom resemble a surgical theater, like these:

image source

which we found for a very agreeable $8/square foot. And then the Mr. got totally excited about a river-rock style for the shower floor, like this:

image source

except in a charcoal-y black shade that I couldn't find a picture of. And they feel pretty sweet under foot. Plus, they're almost exactly the same price as the other floor tiles, so it looks like we're going for it.

Once we can reassemble the walls & floors, and therefore get accurate measurements, that is. Is there drama around that? Funny you should ask ... more to come.

**(All the prices I've quoted are from United Tile in L.A. -- no website (again!), but you can find them here. They have everything, and they're really reasonable.)

2 steps forward ... 2 steps back

2010-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

That's not a scientific rendering of the number of steps we've taken, in any direction, by the way. I'm just sitting here humming Paula Abdul songs (and now, so are you. You're welcome.) And yes, I know I keep fiddling with the heading of this here re-purposed blog. It's a work-in-progress. Also, I'm indecisive. But moving on:

We have a fridge! Check it out:
That's the Mr., a) looking cute, and b) showing off our excellent handiwork in getting all the shelves/drawers/etc. properly situated. I had no idea fridges were so complicated. Here it is from the outside:
Pretty! We got a sweet deal -- it's a brand-new last-year's model, courtesy of a giant warehouse out in the porn end of the valley. No website (?!?!), but they're at 8930 Mason Avenue, Chatsworth 91311.

We're also pretty much sorted on lighting, at least as far as fixtures go. We made a trip out to the Restoration Hardware Outlet in Camarillo, where we found this:
Ours has the brushed nickel finish, to go with the rest of our hardware. Also, that's totally the tile I've decided I no longer want! (But more on that later.) Again brand-new -- probably an internet return (so now you know where stuff goes when you buy online & return it: Camarillo) and they were giving an extra 20% off bath stuff "just because" that day, so outlet + sale = $51. Or as I prefer to call it, 25% of retail. Woo effing hoo!

After much more dithering about styles that one of us loved & the other hated-with-vehemence, we found these at Ikea:
Calypso, for the bedroom; and one that they don't have on the website yet but it's pendant-y & white & fun & cool, for the office. I'll post a pic once we've hung it. And by "we" I mean "our awesome handy-hombre".

So that's the cool stuff. And then, from the Dept. of Destruction: guess what was underneath all that tile in the bathroom?
MORE TILE!! We now officially have more tile than a Mexican restaurant in this house. And while I don't really dig the colors, the stuff they covered up was actually nicer than the stuff on top. Aaarggh!! Who the eff were these people? (Answer: the same people who cut through supportive studs to install windows & doors where-the-heck-ever they pleased, and did it without permits of course, which our guys now get to fix. Thank goodness for flat-fee contractors.) I'll get some more pictures of the mayhem tomorrow, but in the meantime:
Why yes, that is a demo'd bathtub on our front porch. And we're happy to see you!

ch-ch-ch-ch- changes!

2010-01-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

Finally! a few images of what's been up with Isabelle. (Yes, that's the house's name.)

First:
In the Living Room: out with the vomit-tan, in with the greige (dammit! I miss Domino) and blue ceiling detail. Drapery to replace awful vertical blinds = a work in progress.

In the kitchen, we've secretly replaced the "oak" cabinets with these:
Let's see if she notices! But seriously ... the Mr. just finished stripping the icky varnish off the doors, so the next steps are: sand, paint, & re-attach those.

And in the hallway, just a few adjusted hinges away from completion:
Our built-ins! Here's the doors that are awaiting their pretty satin nickel hinges:
Aren't they pretty, with their non-paint-encrusted hardware? I know!!

Oh, and referring back to this entry's title ... and just because her name rhymes with Bowie:
It's Zöe**!! Wearing the shirt we got her for her birthday. (She's the most fashion-y fashionista I currently know. Girl changed her outfit 4 times that night!)

{** NOT OUR DOG!! That's my friend Bayleigh's dog. Stop congratulating us -- we just bought her a damn t-shirt!!!}

More pics on the way -- the contractor is coming!1!!

stop the presses: we agree on something!

2010-01-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

Actually, we agree on 2 things: 1) the kitchen, as purchased, was atrocious; and 2) these light fixtures:
As of today, the kitchen is the most un-changed room** ... BUT! after emailing him 15+ (at least) ideas for light fixtures, I stumbled upon the ones pictured above, to Our Mutual Delight. They're available at Shades Of Light (which is in Virginia, and therefore charges no sales tax in CA -- haha!! Screw you, Ah-nold & the Legislature!) and we're eagerly awaiting their imminent arrival via FexEx.

** why yes, I DID re-paint the entire house myself. NO, I don't need a hobby -- thank you.

Also, after talking to four (4!) contractors, two (2!) of whom deigned to flatter us with a bid, we're moving forward with our remodeling plans. Up next: a brand-new, shiny bathroom & LOTS of rugs to cover the hideous floors.

Oh, and some pics. Eventually. Really, I swear.

progress report

2010-01-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, I promise to try to get some more up-to-date pics to post tomorrow ... but, in the meantime, here's some of what we've been up to:

The Bad:

No, really, I didn't want to just un-screw that old hardware. I much preferred using a razor blade to slice through 8 layers of paint (and I'm especially curious about YOU, oh Chooser of Acid-Trip Green) ...

The Good:
We both have a place to park;

We've removed the Gross/Tragic medicine cabinet from *the bathroom
(*awaiting further destruction)

the Ugly Kitchen Cabinets being carted outside. That's our handyman -- small in stature, but 18-feet tall in awesomeness.

Our shiny new outdoor light fixtures. They're replacing the Fuctard-Installed Non-Outdoor ones that our predecessors provided. Sadly, all the accompanying rust has been sacrificed on the alter of "WTF?!?!"

The Ugly:

Have you been paying attention?! ...

Good stuff to follow, as soon as I'm not too distracted to remember I need to take pics before dark.

on being distracted

2010-01-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

Number of dishes in the sink: lots.

Number of days I've been wearing my husband's socks: 2

Number of days I've not made the bed, thinking that would make me change the sheets, only to exhaustedly fall asleep in the wrinkly, dirty ones: 4

Number of days since I washed my hair: ain't telling.

Laundry situation: He's out of underwear, and I've been getting dressed out of the basket full of clean laundry for a week, rather than putting it away -- which is why I haven't done another load (I need that basket to carry it to the laundry room).

BUT: the house is starting to look like somewhere I'd want to live. In reality, as opposed to that theoretical "as soon as about 50 things change" sort of way.

Pictures soon. But right now I have to go back to getting paint in my cuticles.

my new best friend

2010-01-04T18:35:00.001-08:00

Yes, thing are going swimmingly at the Un-Casa. (That name sucks. I'll work on a better one. But meanwhile ...) The locks have been changed, the interior doors have shiny new doorknobs, and the paint samples from Ralph Lauren arrived today & were promptly smeared on the relevant walls. I'm not sure in which parallel universe one pays for 2-day express shipping on December 29th and receives said order on January 4th, but I plan to take that up with the dear people at RL first thing tomorrow. And frankly, I'm too excited about getting my hands on Pretty Colored Things to let it bring me down. Even better news: the Mr. and I are in agreement on colors for 3 rooms -- we're 60% of the way home, and still speaking to each other. Woo hoo!

But getting back to the semi-caustic substance in the spray bottle: it all began with our Mission Statement: Replace Ugly Crap With Nicer Stuff ... On Budget. To wit:
In a perfect world, I'd get rid of the ugly "oak" cabinets & start over. But in Our World, we're going with plan B. (No, not that Plan B. Nobody knocked up our cabinetry.) Plan B started out as "Let's just paint them white," but has since turned into "Let's get an electric sander & some varnish remover, so that the white paint we apply will a) stick, and b) not be lumpy." So while the Mr. has learned how to use varnish remover & not die (it involves gloves, a face mask, and not taunting the substance), I've been tackling the insides of the cabinets.

Fun fact: other people's shelf paper is disgusting! Especially when combined with All The Dead Spiders (see previous post -- free shipping offer still applies!)

Also, the previous owner's Stupid Plumber Tricks has led to 2 of the lower cabinets being rather mildewed. I discovered this as I was systematically scrubbing the living daylights out of them, and the ick-factor jumped from an 8 to a 10. At that point I stopped reaching in with my sponge and just basically sprayed & ran. That's when the miracle happened.

I came back the next day, and it was better. Dramatically better. It went from "Maybe we should just replace that" to "The patient is ALIVE!" I kinda wish I had a "before" picture to post here ... but then again, I wouldn't want to make anyone spontaneously kill themself in horror. Suffice to say: it may smell like the devil and wreak havoc on your cuticles, but I LOVE me some Lysol anti-mildew spray.

Back tomorrow to check the paint samples in better light. And yes, I will absolutely be addressing the ceramic floor tiles that go halfway up the walls -- count on it.

holy crap!!! we're home owners!!!

2009-12-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

This entry was almost titled "We Have All Your Dead Spiders." Because, as it turns out, our new house (to which I repeat: !!!) has ALL the dead spiders.

So if you're missing any of yours, just let us know. We'll ship 'em back. Gratis.

ps: This blog will soon resume its regularly scheduled programing. Thanks indeed for staying tuned.

strange days

2009-12-03T23:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm living several parallel lives at the moment. Ever since the Mr. started working The Most Brutal Night Shift Ever (aka 11pm - 9am). First is my "normal day", where I tip-toe around the apartment getting ready w/o waking him, then go to work/auditions/whatever the hell else I do with my days. Second, I come home & we eat dinner together & chill. (He loves my cooking -- oh, the irony.) Third, I watch "Big Love" on DVD or read until I pass out, trying not to mind the empty spot in the bed next to me.

Strange days, indeed.

Also, I want to get a dog. And name him Kermit. So he can be Kermit the Dog.

mostly nonsense

2009-11-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

I noticed that they're selling beer pong kits at 7/11. And my local grocery store has put ping-pong balls in the refrigerated section, next to the beer. Seriously, people? Seriously?

I feel like this should be a sign that the end is nigh. Not in a laughably-masturbatory-special-effects-display kind of way (Exhibit A: 2012), but in a more unfathomable how-does-Ashlee-Simpson-continue-to-find-employment-as-an-actress? kind of way. Either way, it can't be good.

Also, we seem to be "officially" past The Gatekeeper, and therefore in escrow. Believe me, it's taken more self-control that I thought I possessed not to pillory that ... creature ... here. (I just might get back to you once the deal is sealed.) But meanwhile, here's a pic of our very own little corner of Los Angeles:

Why yes, it is freaking adorable -- thanks for noticing!

stuff that makes me happy

2009-11-22T13:01:00.000-08:00

I tried to embed the videos, but for some reason there was no code to make that happen. So follow the links -- they're worth it.

1) Cats are awesome.

2) Did I mention that cats are awesome?

3) We're not officially in escrow yet, but we seem to have made it past the Evil Gatekeeper of the House That Might Become Ours. News update to follow, as soon as there's anything to report ....

dance, monkey!!

2009-11-16T18:33:00.000-08:00

Things that make The Bank displeased:

1) They told us to get a pre-approval letter from a bank (not them), basically stating that yes, we really can get the loan. They told us this Friday night at around 8pm -- well after business hours. We said sure -- 1st thing Monday morning. By 10am today they were throwing a hissy fit at our "failure to perform."

2) They don't like that one of Mr. UB's financial documents is more than 30 days old ... even though we've explained that he only gets quarterly statements.

3) They claim that one of my signatures is "illegible" ... but since I've sent them about 80 different signed things, I'm hoping they'll get a little more specific. On a side note: it's a freakin' signature -- isn't it supposed to be a little sloppy (aka hard to copy)?

Like our realtor-babe said, "it's ALMOST like a party!" Wheeeee!!!

playlist of the week: red carpet/ evening gown

2009-11-15T21:07:00.001-08:00

I swear I'll get around to posting a "random" (aka non-assignment) list one of these days. But in the meantime: here's what I came up with for "Evening Gown/Red Carpet". Mr. UB has questioned my methodology ... but even if you can spot it (duh), I think it makes for a pretty good list. Any-whatsit ...

Star, Star by The Frames
When The Stars Go Blue by Ryan Adams
Wandering Star by Mazzy Star
Andy, You're A Star by The Killers**
Starry-Eyed Surprise by Paul Oakenfold
This Evening's Great Excuse by Seven Mary Three
Starshine by Gorillaz
Superstar by Jamelia*
If Love Is A Red Dress by Maria McKee
Starstruck by Santogold
Superstar by Sonic Youth
Battleflag by Lo Fidelity Allstars

*this is the song that started the playlist/theme, and yes, it is from the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy soundtrack. Damn, I miss that show.
** while making this list, Mr. UB said, "I like that song, 'Andy, You're a Killer." Yes, really.

WORD, Grover.

2009-11-13T23:30:00.001-08:00

It seems that Muppets are in the air. Not only did my friend The Nerdist post a beyond-fab retro scene here ... but I found this lovely bit on the inimitable Meg's site. And I choose to re-post it here. Because after 3-ish months, this is just about the best darned summation of things all married that I can find.*

*And also because I showed my darling husband where the Jim Henson Studios are located here in town, complete with Kermit Statue at the gates, even though he'd driven by countless times without noticing before I intervened ...! (No, I dont' know how he didn't see that, either.)

Seriously people -- Iowa is now officially more progressive than my dear, sweet, native California. What gives?!?

things are afoot ...

2009-11-13T20:46:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to post all week ... but I'm afraid to jinx anything. But if I were to post about the "things" that are "going on", it might look something like this:
... but that's all I'll say for now.

However: anyone out there with spare fingers/toes/eyes to cross ... we'd appreciate the extra happy thoughts.

playlist of the week: 80's version

2009-11-08T23:45:00.000-08:00

Some of you know about my awesome, silly day job. (And if you didn't, now you do.) One of the things I do for said job is make playlists. And I've decided to start posting them here -- just because. Let me know if you like/hate/aren't even vaguely amused/wonder when the hell this stopped being a blog about weddings. But be nice about it, 'k?

Some playlists relate to a certain "assignment" (aka theme), and sometimes they're just the music that's moving my body that week. This is one of the former, and the assigment was "80's Rocker Chick." I thought it would be hard, but as it turned out this could easily have been 3 hours long. Since my classes are only 2 hours long, I had to do some painful culling. Here's what I came up with:

Cyndi Lauper - True Colors
Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is
Wham - Careless Whisper
Jane's Addiction - Jane Says
Beastie Boys - Brass Monkey
David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure
Peter Gabriel - Big Time
En Vogue - Free Your Mind
Rolling Stones - Start Me Up
Prince - Kiss
Michael Jackson - Man In The Mirror
Daniel Ash vs. Zak Ambrose - Rock On (Dirty Queen mix)

that was the warm-up ... the rest of the list was everything else I couldn't live without:

Def Lepard - Pour Some Sugar On Me (some songs are cliches because they're awesome)
Aerosmith - Sweet Emotion
Robert Palmer - Addicted To Love (those models couldn't even fake-play guitar, but they were hot)
Duran Duran - Notorious
George Michael - Monkey (yeah, technically he was already in here w/ Wham ... you got a problem with that?)
AC/DC - Back In Black
U2 - Pride (In The Name of Love)
Madonna - Like A Prayer
Guns 'N' Roses - Welcome To The Jungle
Whitesnake - Here I Go Again
Journey - Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'
The Police - Every Breath You Take

A shout-out to Mr. UB, who has a chronic 80's rock problem* and provided much assistance.

Also, I know that En Vogue song is from 1990. But a) technically a decade ends with the "zero" year so it totally counts, b) it's bad-ass, and c) it's my effing list. So there.

*he says it's not a problem

stuff I've gotten done

2009-11-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

We've been a little slow on getting out the thank you cards. Like, a snail-race-through-molasses slow. But it's for a good reason. Or at least, a "good" reason. Mr. UB had the breel-yint idea to send each person a photograph of us using their gift, so as to make them feel like we really appreciate it. Or at least like it's not just gathering dust in an attic somewhere. (Not to worry: we don't have an attic!) A few people had to get left out of this fabulosity, because their gifts are in our storage unit (yes, we will remember them at Christmas), but for the most part, we "thanked" our people for their generosity thusly:

J, who bought us the luggage set, got this:

And S, our wine hook-up, received this little gem:
I'm sure they realize just how worth the wait that all was ....

In other news (aka Shopping Success Stories), behold:
$219 at Restoration Hardware

$10 at a thrift store in the valley. Hell no, I'm not saying which one.

Can world domination be far away?

new project!

2009-11-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

(in which I discuss my transition from "obsessed with planning wedding" to "obsessed with finding a place to live", or We Attempt To Purchase a House)

Greetings, oh followers of this blog. If there are any of you left, given my post-nuptual slacking (2.5 months and counting -- woo hoo!) I am happy to report that my days are no longer consumed by finding affordable venues, caterers, et al. Oh no, children -- I've moved on. Evolved, even.

Now, my days are consumed with weathering the slings & arrows of entry-level Los Angeles real estate. Let the celebration begin!

Things I've learned thus far: when a listing describes the square-footage of a property as "tax assessor's data lists X", what they mean is "previous owners added onto this house without a) permits, b) taste, c) a moment's thought to how said addition would affect the property's resale value, or d) any shred of understanding as to how actual humans reasonably use their homes -- you know, for living in, and such."

Also, the favored building materials of the Great Unwashed are (in no particular order):
*stucco! because those 1910-built Craftsman homes look better without all that pesky wood

Or even better, a look I've dubbed "WTF-Chic"

*ceramic tile! on the floors/walls/anywhere you shouldn't have to clean or maintain ever again

(living room)

(bedroom)

*concrete! because we're not cheap, we're green -- you can't argue with 6000 square feet of concrete in leiu of anything that needs water, now, can you?

So far, we've put in offers on 2 places. The first one we didn't get ... we're in "back-up position". Which basically means we're hoping that by Saturday the other people's loan falls through. No schadenfreude here, folks!

And the second one ... well, the second one features ceramic tile throughout (in every. damn. room.), and concrete covering at least 80% of the lot. Also, the previous tenants absconded with the air conditioning unit, which should only cost $3-4000 to replace. And we've offered $14K over the asking price. We couldn't be more excited!

(all pics are knicked from public real estate websites ... if that turns out to be not-so-legal, I'll take 'em down)

wedding recap: ceremony readings

2009-10-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

With a guest list of only 40 people, the Mr. & I wanted to keep the number of "attendants" to a reasonable number. (Yes, that's me adding the parentheses -- there are some things I just can't take too seriously. Like having people "attend" to us. But I digress ...)

The only problem with this was how to include as many people in the goings-on as possible. We had His Parents enter at the beginning of the processional, and both My Mom & My Dad walked me down the aisle. And we included two more of our friends by asking them to do readings. (Yes, the 2nd person reading is dressed as a groomsman -- he generously stepped into that role, too, for a friend who couldn't make it from the east coast.)

So: the near-&-dear people were in ... but what to have them read? My brain was glazing over at this point, so thankfully they both stepped up with suggestions. Perfect suggestions.

First, our friend T. read Shakespeare's Sonnet #119.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

(We're both actors, so this was both lovely & extra-fitting.)

Then groomsman R. read "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. (I credited him as Theodor Geisel on the programs, so as not to give it away.)
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So get on your way!

(We're also both very silly.)

It was the perfect combination of "us" ....

the Actress Diaries, ch. 9

2009-10-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

So this is what happens when you have actor friends. Who call you with 2 hours notice. And don't have a script (thank YOU, improv classes!). But they can edit fast.

Balloon Boy: "Outside the Box" - watch more funny videos

Imagine if that kid who was never in a balloon in the first place turned up at 36, trying to wrangle a reality show out of his "fame". (These things don't seem remotely unreasonable when you live in Los Angeles.)

(It's a little wide -- click on the video to see the whole thing in a new window.)

If it makes you giggle, click "funny", won't you?

treading water

2009-10-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

General status update:

*Closed the show. Don't know if we'll be back -- it's an amazing project, but theater is extra-hard right now. Stoopid economy, wrecking all our fun.

*Been sick all week. This always happens after I close a show. Despite valiant efforts to the contrary, apparently one cannot expend that much energy indefinitely. At least, not without consequences. Sneeze.

*Fired our first realtor. He's a nice guy, and a friend-of-a-friend. But he's also effing flakey, and we can't afford to only make it out 1 of every 3 times we have an appointment to see places. I'm afraid I'm gonna kill somebody (possibly somebody I like) without at least the appearance of progress.

*Had one friend give up & move home, and news that another friend's band is breaking up. Tough week to stay inspired.

* This helped:
I saw 3 deer on Monday. In Pasadena. Only one of them stood still long enough for me to get a picture, but there were 3 of them. Right there in the middle of the big bad city. I gotta figure -- if freaking Bambi can hack it here ...

the Actress Diaries, ch. 7 & 8

2009-10-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Chapter 7: The Pole Whisperer

(No, that's not what the show is really called. But since I'm playing another stripper ... and yes, that's 4 this year. I seem to have found my niche. Mom's gonna be so proud.)

Time I was due on set: 9am.
Time I got into hair/ make-up/ wardrobe: immediately.
Time my first scene started shooting: 5pm.
Next time anybody you know says they want to be an actor ... ask them why. Please. Then tell me. (I'll be the one playing with her iPhone for 8 hours in a trailer.)

I just found out my episode airs Friday, November 6th at 8pm PST. Set your DVR, and don't blink or you'll miss me.

Chapter 8: San Francisco

The play I'm currently in went on the road last weekend, to San Francisco. And it was just ... one of those trips. I gave our newest cast member a mafia nickname ("Charlie Underpants"). Our resident pothead provided constant amusement as he attempted to score weed off everyone from an abuela at a bus stop in the 'burbs, to "his crackhead" in the city. We went sightseeing at midnight on Sunday. And the show went well, too.

Actually, Saturday's show was the best performance I've ever been a part of -- every joke hit, and we could literally do no wrong. I had a ton of family come -- though I'm glad I didn't know my dad was in the front row until after the show, especially during the scene where Fidel Castro snorts coke off my boobs. It may have helped that the crowd was drinking heavily (Sunday they were much quieter), but whatever. It was truly awesome.

I'm still getting used to Traveling While Married. But telling a guy "Look, I'm married, so you've got no shot, but if you want to stand here & keep buying me drinks & acting like you're getting somewhere, I will flirt with you 'til last call" actually worked: it limited the creepy & netted a few cocktails.

Also, I learned that unorthodox professions can confuse service industry professionals. To wit: the waiter who asked "What are you in town for?" and was told "We're a traveling band of Jack Nicholson impersonators," is probably still not sure if we meant it. When he asked me, "Really?" I told him, "No, I play a representative sample of all the women he's slept with." That didn't seem to help very much. Oh well.

Last show in L.A. is tonight -- woo hoo!

playing hooky

2009-10-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be doing "real" posts about our wedding, but I'm distracted. A) We're trying to find a house, and it's just not sane out there, kids. At least, not in our price range. And B) I've been busy with Ahk-ting. For money, even. But I'll get to that eventually. For now, I just want to post silly photos that make me giggle.

Yes, babe, that's a much better use of the reception decor. Excellent work.

To be honest, I have no idea what's happening here ... there are so many options. But I love that Marija captured it. This may be my Christmas card this year. "Happy Holidays, and Don't Even Jest About Taking My Slice of Cake!"

My friends are awesome. Notice the lack of boys -- they were all hiding on the deck outside. Wussies.

Yes, we'll probably photoshop the panties out when we make prints for the parentals. Probably.

cost breakdown: candy buffet

2009-10-08T16:55:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest "non-practical" elements of our wedding was our candy buffet. (It's also one of the only things featured in wedding magazines that I fell in love with. What can I say? I'm not completely impervious to pretty pictures.) I'm sure that we could have come up with a less expensive cost-per-guest party favor, but I figured that people had earned their sugar comas after all the dancing at our reception!

We had 9 different containers in our buffet: 3 apothecary jars & 2 decorative plates, all snagged at Ross. (I started looking very early in our planning process, in order to take advantage of post-Christmas sales. I basically grabbed anything white or metallic I could get my hands on.) I got creative when I found 2 big mercury class candle holders at Target (I just covered the pointy thing in the bottom with tissue paper), and I made a cake stand from a tutorial on OnceWed.com. At the last minute, I found a giant clear-glass vase that I already owned -- score!

Total: $69.18

For the candy, I realized pretty quickly that while lots of websites out there offer "discount bulk candy", the overnight shipping required to get it to Southern California in the summer, hopefully without melting, was a potential budget-buster. I got as much of it as I could at a local warehouse in downtown L.A.

10 lbs. each grapefruit sour gummies, butterscotch & Hershey's kisses = $68.88.

I got the rest from 2 online resources, and went for the 2-day shipping in protective packaging (still cheaper than overnighting it) just before temps soared for the summer.

10 lbs. each 7-up jelly bellies & white jordan almonds from bulkfoods.com = $99.56 + approx. $60 shipping.
10 lbs. "milkies" (like M&M's, but without the "M" so cheaper) & 5 lbs. champagne bubbles from Groovy Candies = $115.85 + approx. $40 shipping.

I also got 5 lbs. of white mints from Smart & Final for about $10. And somehow I got it into my head that I'd have a) the time, and b) the skill to make a thing or two. Yeah, I know ... overly ambitious = me. Fortunately, after my test run turned out poorly, I found these at Target:

White Oreos! Who knew?! (I didn't.) About $10 for 3 bags.

I made the signs for each container with leftover cardstock from our invitations -- printed at Kinko's -- and attached it with ribbon I found on sale. Instead of buying pricey labels from some online site, I printed some using Word on my home computer:

They seemed to get what I wanted to say across ... and I already had those labels, so they were free.

We decorated the table with the leftover bubble liquid bottles from our ceremony, and some matchbook notebooks that I made. I used the cardstock samples I'd bought when looking for our invitation paper, plus stamps that were in the set used on our invitations & plain computer paper. The upside to doing things yourself = re-purposing your leftovers!

I found the big scoops at a local party supply store (about $10) & decorated them with the same ribbon as on the container signs, and got the bags through a wholesale company. (I ended up with twice the amount I needed, so after selling the extras on Craigslist, they cost a net $13.)

Altogether, the candy buffet cost us about $545. Admittedly, it was kind of an extravagance, and I might have changed my mind if I'd known about the extra $100 in shipping charges from the beginning ... but it turned out beautifully, our guests loved it, and I was really proud of myself for pulling it off. So if anyone out there is planning something similar, I hope you find this useful!

random return to recaps: dancing

2009-10-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

... Who knows why I do anything anymore, let alone understands my timing? So: just because:

We originally planned to have a live band at our reception, but when that started to get expensive & complicated we switched to my iPod, which worked perfectly. (In hindsight, I would've changed the crossfade time between songs to zero, but that's just me nit-picking.)

For our First Dance, we danced to "You Are The Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne. I'm going to attempt to re-create our conversation, based on the pics.
Me: "This is such a sweet song. And we're doing so well!"

Him: "We're not half bad at this. We should take lessons."
Me: "Sounds fun!"

Him: "Ow!"
Me: "Oops -- sorry! You know I don't know how to follow!"

Him: "Dammit, woman! Good thing I think you're hot."

Me: "Hehe ... wait, really? A Spin? Um, those lessons haven't happened yet ... "

Me: "Phew -- made it!"

Me: "Again? Okay ... watch your toes!"

Me: "Show off."
Him: "Yup!"

Me: "Hey, where'd your jacket go?"

Him: "Quiet, Woman! I'm getting funky."
Me: "Oh dear. Help! Assistance! GIRLS!!"

Me: "That's it -- create a diversion. Excellent work!"

(That's just a view from the balcony of everyone dancing under the lights. 'Cuz I think it's pretty.)

** all photos by Marija Thomas Photography

we're baaaa-aaaack!!

2009-09-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

The "Jack" show is coming back -- woo hoo!! As much as I was thrilled & proud to be a part of its 1st incarnation, I am twice as excited to herald our return: Jack 2.0!! All About Jack: The Impersonators of Jack Nicholson is BACK for a second run at Theatre 68 in Los Angeles ... AND a Two-Night Stand in San Francisco!!

Have you ever wondered what makes Jack Nicholson tick? Where he came from? What his famous movie roles would've looked like, translated through the minds & bodies of 8 Jack impersonators? Then THIS is the show for you!! Come with us on a wild ride through his "discovery" & early days in Hollywood, his iconic performances & renowned eccentricities. Eight Jacks & one vivacious vixen take you on a tour of the life-and-times that you will never forget!!

Tickets for L.A. here:
PLAYS411.COM

Tickets for S.F. here:
https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/80545

(Okay ... sorry for the shameless pandering, but I'm incredibly proud of this show. Come & see us -- you won't regret it.)

utter nonsense

2009-09-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

And yet, it makes me giggle.

via here.
(Amsterdam is so pretty.)

Besides, it's better than navel-gazing, self-indulgent whinging ... isn't it?

so this happened ...

2009-09-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know. I kind of suck lately. Sorry ... I'm doing my best.

Anyway -- this little exchange took place between me & one of my castmates last night. (Have I told you that my play is coming back? I haven't?! What's up with tha... oh, right.)

Cast Dude: Hi there, Married Lady!

Me: Dude, I'm gonna punch you in the f**king face!!

Ahem. Allow me to explain. I've been getting some "weird vibes" from people since I got married. (And non-Californian readers, please forgive that uber-Cali-ism. The fact is, it's as accurate as it is embarrassing.) To wit:

Cast Dude: Whoa!

Me: That's NOT. My Name.

CD: I know!

Me: Nor is it my defining characteristic.

CD: Okay. Chill.

Me: You f**king chill.

Okay, so I'm having some issues. For example: the paperwork that's necessary to officially change my name came in yesterday's mail, and I'm ever-so-slightly clinging to my identity as I know (knew?) it. I thought I was totally down, but now I'm freaking out. I don't know yet if any of these feelings are valid ... but I'm nonetheless having them.

And it's not helping that some of my friends (all guys, whatashocker!) are treating me like I have something contagious. "Don't get to close -- she's got Marriage!!" And while I "may" have over-reacted just a tad, Cast Dude had addressed me on four previous occasions as Married Lady, and I let him know that I wasn't kosher with that on three of those. For f**k's sake, people -- if I'm on the brink of giving up my last name, can I at least keep the first one?!?!

So ... there you have it. I'm here, I'm thinking about things I should be blogging as my days get too crazy to make it actually happen ... and I'm freaking the f**k out. All in all, just another day in the life.

Oh, and my play is coming back!! I'll tell you all about it. Soon-ish.

getting back into the habit

2009-09-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so in between sorting through thousands of photos & trying to decide what to call this blog after the recap posting is done ... I have a few more favorite pics to share.

Me & my hot-ass MOH, Our Lady of the Holiday.
The Mr. & I having a sweet moment at the post-ceremony dinner ...

... and a not-so-serious moment on the beach in Malibu.
I know I've been terrible about reading & commenting on so many of my favorite sites out there. I've got nothing remotely resembling a good excuse -- I've just been hormonal & sulking. But I still love you & I'm shaking off the cobwebs, I promise.

2122 ...

2009-09-09T11:17:00.001-07:00

That's how many pictures I'm working my way through. Slowly, sure ... but c'mon. This is more of a career than a job. And it doesn't help that our photog did such an amazing job that I love every 3rd shot.

Here's one of my favorites so far -- I'd been dancing for hours, surrounded by my favorite people. I had no idea my hair had fallen down, nor did/do I care.

Another reason for a picture of my back: my agent got me an audition to be the new spokes-chick for Botox. Yes, really. So don't anybody hold their breath for more photos ... 'cause I'm going back to bed.

did they really think we'd behave ourselves?

2009-08-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

We skipped lots of "traditional" stuff at our wedding. No bouquet or garter toss (I think they're lame & demeaning, respectively), no money dance (gross) unless you count having "10 Dollar" by M.I.A. in my playlist, and no "dance, monkey!"-type glass clinking allowed. We just got married, for peet's, sake ... wait 2 minutes, and you'll probably see us lip-locking of our own accord.

Of course, some people either a) couldn't control the impulse to try, or b) had developed both mild spastic conditions and an inability to stop clenching their cutlery (weird, I know) ... and there was a single glass-clinking incident. One. At which the Mr. & I turned and laid a serious smooch on the people nearest to us.

That was pretty much the only time anyone clinked a damn glass. Weird, huh? Although I did hear the other groomsmen were disappointed that the Mr. didn't try to slip Double-L the tongue.

And here we'd decided not to make any statement about our support for marriage equality, so as to avoid starting a political argument at our wedding.* Whoops!

* I did hear about the political argument that a few of our guests got into at dinner. Thank you to all involved for keeping your voices down, and thus allowing me to remain blissfully ignorant of said conversation.

when I need to remind myself ...

2009-08-28T15:23:00.001-07:00

... that having my picture taken when I'm not wearing make-up is not cause for alarm, I'm going to look at this photo. I'm pretty sure I cried every bit of it off during the ceremony. And yet ...

(Seriously -- what is up with that pose in the entry below this?!?)

wedding recap: random reflections

2009-08-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

There's something funny about having a wedding in a public place -- in our case, a city park that's also a tourist attraction. But the size of our wedding (30-ish people in a site that can hold up to 250) didn't exactly call for ushers, and without amplified music I somehow thought we'd be ... unobtrusive?

On such a gorgeous Saturday, the POFA is filled with people taking photos -- I saw a quinceñera and one other wedding party -- not to mention locals soaking up the nice weather. I figured that the folks setting up (the groomsmen & My Dad) might have to flash our permit to shoo people away from the area we'd reserved, but didn't think much more about it.

What I didn't expect was that when we turned to walk down the aisle together, a crowd had gathered & was watching us. As in, they hadn't just glanced our way & kept going -- they'd stopped & listened. We must've had at least 70 extra people who clapped & cheered for us during our recessional. Amazing.

Also: apparently it's good luck to get your picture taken with the bride & groom.

wedding recap: the ceremony

2009-08-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

We got crazy-lucky with the venue for our ceremony. There's normally a two year waiting list for the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco, but it's been undergoing a multi-phase earthquake retrofitting for several years. (The history of the POFA is a fascinating mix of art & happenstance -- it was never meant to be a permanent structure, but citizen's groups & philanthropists have banded together to save it several times. Those efforts continue to this day.) The previous phase finished early, which meant that it was available from mid-May through mid-August. Construction began again on Monday, so there won't be any more weddings there until at least late 2010. Like I said ... crazy-lucky!

This was the set-up for our intimate 30-person ceremony:

I was walked down the aisle by both by mom & dad.
I don't recall what I said at that moment, but it must've been funny.

The paper pomanders took forever to make, but really looked pretty.

Our officiant was a friend who's wedding we went to last year -- she's getting her master's degree in theology, and was thrilled that we asked her to marry us. Having someone who really knows us was wonderful.
Thank goodness she asked us to take each other's hands -- I was so emotional that I needed to hang onto him.

Part of our ceremony included honoring our parents.

Two of our friends gave readings.
This is our friend T reading Sonnet 119 by William Shakespeare. The groomsman on the far right, R, read "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. The fact that they came to us independently with those passages shows just how well our friends know us!

I've heard lots of people talk about how, after all the craziness of planning, the actual day just flies by ... but I felt incredibly present for the entire thing. The hugeness of the step we were taking, the love that we were expressing for each other, the people who were present to share the moment & support us -- it was almost overwhelming, but I didn't miss a thing.

We said our vows, exchanged rings ... and then we were married.

all pics except 2nd from bottom by Marija Thomas Photography

2nd from bottom by His Mom

I know, I know ...

2009-08-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm being lazy. I know. I'm supposed to be filing daily reports filled with pictures & ancedotes from "the big day" ... and yet, I'm not. I owe at least 3 posts to the good people at Weddzilla, who added me to their team just in time for my Blog Ennui to set in. So what gives?

Mostly, I've just been busy getting back to my regular life. The Mr. is hard at work, and I'm wrestling with the geometry problem of fitting two lives into this 1-bedroom apartment. And anyone who wants proof that this is True Love: I emptied a closet for him. I put clothes into boxes into storage. I put away my cashmere, dammit! (Sure, it's August in Los Angeles, and I'll swap those out with my tank tops for the 3 weeks in January when it gets brisk here -- but that's not the point.)

We've also been overwhelmed with the generosity of our friends. The UPS guy & I are totally bonding (I think he looks tired; he thinks we need an air conditioner -- apparently, I'm literally a hot mess) as he brings us more boxes of awesomeness, nearly every day. I'm itching to get cracking on the thank-yous, but the Mr. has An Idea for those, so it's going to take a little extra time.

Also, for everyone who asks me "when do I get to see pictures?", my stock reply is "as soon as I get to see them!" And after seeing the first few picks from our ceremony in San Francisco, our photographer is forever my hero & can take all the damn time she needs/pleases.

Here's just a little bit of what I'm talking about:

The boys after they finished primping. They clean up pretty nice.

Putting the hat/veil/thingy on for the first of many times (silly wind!) with T -- I can't thank her enough for all her help. (Not just with the hat.)

Checking my ... "dress" ... with His Sis. Double-stick tape is your friend!

More soon, I promise.

playing catch-up

2009-08-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

I figure I should probably finish posting about all the stuff leading up to the wedding before I start on the recaps. (Besides, I might have more photos by then.) So: here's my last 2 major projects.

1) Programs: The Mr. & I had agreed on the idea of fan programs (you know -- an outdoor wedding in August) quite a while back. But we hadn't finalized details like music choices until frighteningly close to the event itself. Good thing: we had exactly enough paper left over from making the invitations for these. Bad thing: I spent the better part of 2 days assembling them, becoming progressively less & less concerned with any semblance of "perfection."

This is what I started with.

This is the finished product.
Getting from point A to point B entailed a second trip to Kinko's when I realized I hadn't saved the file as a PDF, which caused my pretty script font to reset to something I think is called "Nerd-tastic Robot", making yet another trip to Target when I ran out of glue dots, and a stop at Michael's on our way out of town because I ran out of ribbon after making about 10 of them. Good times. But hey -- they're pretty.

2) Flowers: In a move that suprised even me, I decided to "wing it" when it came to the flowers. The Mr. & I swung by the S.F. Flower Mart on Friday morning & bought stuff we liked that was the right colors. Good thing: nice hotels will bring you all the extra vases you ask for, and even cart away the copious trimmings. Bad thing: I was hideously optimistic in estimating how much time the assembly would require.

This is what we started with:
From left to right, those are jade roses, white lilies dyed blue, cream roses and white freesia. I'm normally not a fan of dyed flowers, but the lilies pulled the color into their petals along the veins, which created an amazing, delicate stripey effect. We both gasped out loud when we saw them. Total cost of the above 7 bunches: $50 cash. And we found street parking -- woot!

After going through a lot of this:
and thoroughly soaking the jeans I was wearing, I ended up with these:

My bouquet was made of the cream roses and the freesia. It smelled amazing.

And these are my ultra-fab b-maids holding their bouquets of the jade roses, freesia & lilies.
I finished making them & wrapping them with florist's tape the day before, and plunked them in those hotel-furnished vases. At about 11 a.m. the day of, I just wrapped the stems with dusty blue ribbon. The groom's boutoniere was a single cream rose to match mine, and the g-men each had a jade rose. (That part was the Mr's idea -- oh yes, he's that good!)

This is my favorite picture of them -- all the flowers together:
Ps: if you are useless at maintaing nicely-manicured hands, fluffy flowers are your friend!

first 4 pics by me
last 4 pics by Marija Thomas Photography

first peek

2009-08-20T09:28:00.001-07:00

I love this picture. And to be clear: I totally would've jumped, too -- but I was afraid I'd never extract my heels from the grass.

we did it!!

2009-08-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

What a week ... sorry about the lack of posting, but I barely had time to breathe. Nonetheless: we're married!!

Lots of play-by-play, cost breakdowns & pictures to come.

stress-relief tactic

2009-08-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

I took the bubble wrap that came with one of our wedding gifts and put it in my car. I can reach over & pop the sh*t out of it whenever the need arises.

It's actually pretty helpful.

The countdown continues: T minus 5 days

2009-08-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Actually, it's more like 4 days by now -- only 3.5 hours remain of this one. And I can't plan on getting anything done tomorrow, since I'm filming & my time is officially not my own. Which means that All Of This needs to happen Wednesday:

*print programs, and possibly begin assembly (Some of this could conceivably happen in S.F., but I want to have at least one prototype completed, to avoid complications.) (This would've happened today, but the template is printing screwy. The Mr. is performing triage as we speak.)

*finish making morroccan-style lanterns out of soup cans (I plan to enjoy this, as it involves hitting things with a hammer.)

*find a hairstylist who's available on Saturday (Yes, this got put off until waaay too late. I have 3 numbers to call in the morning, and I'm gathering supplies to do it myself. Eff it.)

*make labels for candy buffet & ceremony (This won't happen until the programs are ready to print. I try to limit my Kinko's exposure.)

*Separate out S.F. stuff from the Wedding Fort and prepare for transporting it north. (Mad love to T. who's letting us use her punk-rock soccer mom car!)

*Find something I already own that will work for the His-Family's-Friends dinner the night before (I know which dress, but the accessories are proving to be quite vexing.)

*Have conversation with Photographer Friend about specifics (I expect this to be a breeze -- I love this woman, and I've shot with her before.)

Honestly, all that feels pretty manageable. Well, the hair thing is slightly worrisome, but I can pull it off myself in a pinch. And I'm letting myself get some nice things from Sephora since I'm doing my own make-up. Also, my friend who works for Smashbox came through huge: I asked for a few samples, and the woman brought me real live product. Have I mentioned how much my friends rock?!

So .. what's distressing me these days, you ask? (You did. I heard you.) Oh, one or two things.
**A portion of this entry has been redacted. But I maintain that there are a couple of people who owe me an apology.**

On the flip-side of that, several people are being stellar. One of the g'men (who married our officiant last year, so he gets it) even agreed last-minute to be our "stage manager" for the S.F. stuff.

And my girls ... let me tell you about my girls. I wish I had $1000 to spend on my Maid of Honor, Our Lady of the Holiday, because she couldn't be more awesome. And my friend T., who's doing a reading during the ceremony, went with me for mani/pedi today and talked me off the ledge regarding Stupid Things That Boys Say. My girl S. is coming through like a champ with the potent potables, and I've had such love from His Sis & My Sis this week that I'm in danger of going all gooey on you.

So all in all: things are good. Unless Mr. UB finally snaps out of it (I keep waiting for him to turn to me & exclaim "Whoa -- you're crazy!!") it looks like this thing going to happen. Holy I-promised-myself-I'd-reign-in-the-swearing!

the Actress Diaries, ch. 6

2009-08-05T17:08:00.000-07:00

A brief update: my episode of "Saving Grace" airs this coming Tuesday, August 11th, at 10pm on TNT. (I say "my" lightly. It hardly centers around me.) And just today I got called to play another (ABC) Family-friendly stripper on "Greek" that same day. I appear to have cornered the market on television strippers who don't actually take their clothes off. Finally -- I've been type-cast!

Also, I rescheduled an audition tomorrow so that the Mr. & I can take advantage of his dentist's offer of free pre-wedding teeth whitening. Apparently I've finally gone Hollywood. I feel a little dirty. (In my defense, "free" is my favorite price.)

a moment of levity ...

2009-08-05T17:01:00.000-07:00

... as I contemplate losing my sanity once & for all. (We're 10 days out.) Via text:

Me: the new hair lady has 2 puppies, 2 kitties and a bird!

Him: While you were there? Baby that's a pet groomers, not a stylist.

To clarify: I was at her home. But it still cracked me up. As in laughter ... not mumbling & drooling.

That's on my calendar for tomorrow.

To change, or not to change (my name)?

2009-08-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

The Mr. & I got our marriage license two weeks ago, and while we were filling out the paperwork I was confronted with spaces for me to put "Current Name" and "Married Name". While I'd always thought I knew what I wanted here, I was suddenly gripped by a flood of "You mean I have to decide this now?!" Nothing like a little legally-binding document to make me question myself.

I admit that I probably have a more complicated relationship with this subject than most. First, my point against: I'm not changing it for professional purposes. I've worked for years to carve out the beginning of a niche in my industry -- no way am I going back to "who?"

Second, my points for: I hated my last name when I was a kid. It can be rhymed with far too many embarrassing things, and even occassionally employed as a verb. I was aching to be rid of it since age 6. (Yes this is probably the silliest of my reasons. But at the time it seemed terribly important.)

More significantly: I am the product of a divorce. Growing up, I was the only person in my house with my last name, and I can't imagine why I'd continue that voluntarily.

My fiance's family thinks I'm adorably retro on the subject -- both his mom & sister kept their maiden names. But the phrase "maiden name" has always stuck uncomfortably in my throat. Am I waiting for Robin Hood to come rescue me from a dragon? Talk about retro.

All of these thoughts swirled around my brain in roughly 3.5 seconds as I paused while filling out that government form. And then it hit me: I could have it both ways. I added my family name to the "Middle Name" box, and put his as the "Last Name." So I have two middle names now (or I will in 12 days).

The truth is, for all my over-thinking the subject, I've grown rather attached to my name. It's followed me around the world, and it reminds me of so many people I love who aren't here any more.

Besides, if it's good enough for Charlotte York MacDougal Goldenblatt ....

hello lethargy, my old friend

2009-07-31T17:03:00.000-07:00

I knew this would happen. After the last two days' absurd level of productivity, today came up bust. And yet I feel like I've been "doing stuff" for hours. Sure, most of that was cursing at my bank & resetting my Target.com password. Oh, and ascertaining that I am in fact teaching tonight -- which was apparently meant to be a surprise. (Boo!) I love it when that happens.

Beyond that, I managed to replace a few out-of-stock items on our registry with things that are still available, update the list of RSVPs, and realize that the Mr. & I really do need to collaborate on the whole honeymoon registry idea ... but at least we have an account now. That's the good news.

The bad news is that we waited too long to make a deal with a hotel in L.A., and my I-hate-that-piece-of-crap cell phone currently only transmits voices via the speaker function. And my brain seems to be incapable of tallying any more receipts. Won't they organize themselves if I continue to stare at the pile on my desk?

Which is (yet another reason) why I am oh-so-grateful for Mr. UB and his amusing ways. Via text:

Him: Pierre just asked if we'd like some tropical fish linens as art touches on the buffet tables, and some tiki torches. I said yes linens, no torches. Sound good?

Me: (gulp) Not sure about fish linens - might clash with rest of decor. Can we see a pic?

Him: He says they're black with colorful tropical fish.

Now, I think that thus far I've been pretty damn zen about a lot of things. The band we wanted doubled their asking price: hello, iPod. One of the groomsmen is too broke to fly out: ask a friend to step up, or we'll just have uneven numbers. We don't have a fancy "getaway car" for the photos: will anyone even remember that?

Also -- I love me some Pierre. The guy is giving us such a deal that he'd be justified in just tossing the food out the window as he drives by. But instead he keeps thinking of all these additional touches to add in for free. But this horse needs to be reined in pronto.

Me: (trying not to hyperventilate) Gently suggest that the seashells are a minor decor touch. This isn't the Enchantment Under the Sea ball.

Him: Oh crap, I just approved one of the waiters to be dressed as a great white shark a la Eagle vs. Shark.

Okay, perhaps I deserved that.

Him again: And I've got a midget dressed as an octopus wearing a sombrero filled with chips & salsa -- for the cocktail hour.

He makes me laugh. But I still may strangle him -- I haven't quite decided.

And then I got this text from his former roommate:

I'm going to be there! Not bringing anyone, can't wait to meet your bridesmaids. You got a sister?

It's a good thing I live on the ground floor ... because I may just jump out the window.

all the news that's safe 2.0

2009-07-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

Chapter 2: Monday -- my Bachelorette Party

I picked up my MOH, Our Lady of the Holiday, from the airport & we grabbed a late breakfast, then bought a few supplies for the planned festivities. While we were in line waiting to purchase them, we noticed the lady behind us staring at the contents of our basket: 2 bottles of champagne, 6 trashy tabloids and 1 clinical-strength deodorant. So we looked at her basket: tofu, cucumbers, lettuce. She sighed & said, "Your basket looks like way more fun." That's just how we roll.

Next stop: the Mondrian Hotel in Hollywood, where Holiday had booked us waaay-too-nice of a suite. She kicked me to the spa where I got a super-yummy body scrub & massage (purrr), and by the time I made it out to the pool my friends P. and M. had joined us. (Life in L.A. would be so much more tolerable if I could spend all my afternoons chilling by that pool ... I should look into that.) We took lots of photos, giggled at the trashy mags, and got reprimanded by a pool boy for sneaking in an "outside" bottle of champagne. (Bat eyes & hand him empty bottle. "Sorry!") We also wondered why you would wear a flourescent green sweatshirt and then act like you didn't want to be recognized, Spike Lee? The best quote of the afternoon, by far, came from H. herself: "Unfortunately, he also spoke English."

We stayed until they closed the pool, then went upstairs to get cleaned up. P. couldn't stay for dinner, but she did tell us we HAD to order the butterfish. The rest of us agreed that "butter fish" sounded like slang for a person with a really slammin' body, who'd had something "unfortunate" happen to her ... anatomy. Trust me -- after the 2nd bottle of champagne, this was high-larious.

My friend K. was off work in time to join us for dinner, where we did order the butterfish, decided it was delicious, and still laughed like 6 yr.-olds about its name.

After dinner, M. had to leave us (she had an early start the next day) but we were joined by J. and a 2nd K. at a bar in Hollywood. We went there because a) it was close to the hotel, b) it's pretty cheap, and c) you can order cocktails in both a beach pail and a fish bowl. I'm sorry to report that there were no fish in the fish bowl ... at least, I really hope there weren't. But there was free popcorn, which I kept getting up to refill just to make people stare at The Boots as I walked by. We stayed until the lights came on, then went back and passed out in the hotel's much-too-comfy bed.

On the way to drop Holiday back at the airport, we sealed the experience with breakfast at Sprinkles cupcakes.

Thanks to each & every person who was able to join us & celebrate with me. It meant the world to me. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect day.

(And to everyone who couldn't make it because we did this on a weekday: stay tuned ...)

all the news that's safe to print

2009-07-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

This past weekend saw lots of silliness on behalf of both Mr. UB & myself. I'm going to leave out a few details because we're not anonymous here, (hi, family members we told about this blog!) but what follows is most of what happened.

Chapter 1: Sunday -- his Bachelor Party.

credit

Mr. UB was kept in the dark about any specific plans. All he knew was when he'd be picked up (11:00 a.m. Sunday), what to pack (swim trunks, something nice for going out, and a change of clothes) and when he'd be home (5:00 p.m. Monday).

I got a text from him around 9:30 p.m.

Him: You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

Me: Glad to hear it. Now back to your debauchery.

My first thought was that texting me mid-bachelor party was kind of a weenie move. My second thought was that he's my very thoughtful weenie, and that I appreciated the reassurance.

That's all I heard until the next day, when I got another text.

Him: I'm home. Remind me to tell you what happened to R's boots.

Apparently he was taken to San Diego for a planned afternoon by the pool & night on the town. Except that in a major fail, best man Double-L didn't keep an eye on the Mr's water intake. So after a little too much sun, he wandered upstairs & fell asleep. He woke up momentarily to text me, then passed out again until morning. The rest of the guys enjoyed a very nice steak dinner, but they were all in bed by 10 p.m.

Him: I think I slept through my bachelor party.

Yep -- that's my weenie. In his defense, they're going to try again next weekend when they go to Vegas for R's birthday, since I have to stay home for work.

Oh, and he says I'm not allowed to tell you what happened to those boots.

my sphere of influence expands!

2009-07-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

I've been chosen to join the Weddzilla team as a guest blogger! I'm going to be reporting on the roller coaster ride that is the final countdown to our big shindig -- 17 days and counting! There will also be recaps & a post-mortem of how all this planning/scrambling/making it up as we went along turned out.

A big shout-out and lots of love to the Weddzilla team for finding my rantings amusing enough to share with their readers.

My plans for world domination are right on schedule. Mwah ha ha ha hah!!!

the best part about Oregon

2009-07-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

Every time the Mr. & I go to Oregon, we get to visit The Kitty People. No, that's not their actual name, but a) I'm doing my best to protect anonymity here on the interwebs, and b) that's what I call them. Not because they have an uncannny sense of balance & can see in the dark -- at least, not to the best of my knowledge. Those topics have actually never come up in conversation. I call them that because they have 7 cats. And 2 dogs.

The night before our most recent trip to Oregon, my back did something peculiar. I coughed while wearing too-high heels and it spasmed. (Are those details germane to the injury? I don't know. But that's what stood out in my mind as it occurred.) So I was very concerned. Partially with being in massive amounts of pain for the duration of the getting-there, partially with being a giant-ass drag on the planned 4th of July festivities. But mostly because, as I said to Mr. UB, "I can't bend down ... you're going to have to hand me kitties!"

When we got to His Parents' house, I retreated to bed old-lady style: with heating pad and Tiger Balm. Fortunately* this proved to be just what I needed, as my back snapped back into its intended alignment with a quiet pop that left me gasping for air & crying. But hey -- at least I was, once again, ambulatory.

So while everyone else was enjoying barbecued salmon & local microbrews, I was on a mission: Drag Mr. UB away from his dinner every time I located another family member with four feet & fur.
This is Dit -- who always lets me slurp him up first.

Houston -- guess where they found him?

Mo -- you can't tell in this photo, but he's actually part whale. Mo = a lot of cat.

Mo's best friend, Prissy -- the only cat in the world larger than Mo.

Princess knows she's beautiful.

Molly likes to hide under the dining room table. But I find her.

Seemore had to be retrieved from his hiding place in the garage ... amateur.

No, I don't think this is a cat. This is Simon, the dog who may as well be a cat -- he's kind of high strung. As in he hates it when people leave. He used to snarl & bark while blocking the door as soon as the good-bye hugs began. This time he bolted outside when the front door opened, then shook so hard I thought he was going to shatter while his mom held him. I think he's awesome.

I need to get the photo of Barry, aka Doggie #2, from Mr. UB. He's a great big slobbery St. Bernard. (Barry. Not Mr. UB.) I only patted him on the head, and somehow still came away covered in slime. Unfortunately, the bachelor party started 45 minutes ago, so I won't have access to it, or the Mr., until sometime after 5 p.m. tomorrow.**

*Kinda. And lest you think I'm some sort of huge weenie (especially if you knew me when I was a whiny kid) I'm pretty stoic. But that shit hurt.
** Of course the fact that his bachelor party is today has nothing to do with why I'm posting pictures of cats on the internet. I'm above needing such distraction. How dare you!

blessed reassurance

2009-07-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm having mini-mental freak-outs with increasing regularity. Only in my head, mind you -- one of the advantages of knowing I'm nuts is that there's nothing particularly novel or spectacular about these little "moments" I have. At least, not as events, per se. But their subject has shifted away from "Why isn't *insert topic here* more successful/lucrative/likely to make the people who were mean to me in high school green with envy?" ... the white noise that used to narrate my day when there was nothing good on the radio.

Instead, my inner iPod is currently set to this: "I'm getting married! Like, soon! Holy crap! What does this mean? About us? About me? Does it have to look like anyone else's marriage? Will it look as unfathomable to people on the outside as other marriages have looked to me? Will people treat us differently? Will we treat each other differently? Am I really going to live with a man who thinks being organized is having two separate piles of clothes -- one dirty, one clean -- on the floor?!?" (See why I keep this junk to myself?) (Yes, I see the irony here.)

Which is why I was made oh-so-very warm & fuzzy inside to read this, over on Mr. UB's blog:*

"The fact is, she doesn't know what she wants, all that she knows is that *variable* calls her by name from the darkest part of the night, and it grows more and more difficult for her to resist the temptation to go screaming into the shadows."**

Okay, so maybe in his blog it doesn't say "variable" ... but it kinda should -- I have a short attention span and internet access. And yet, his reaction is not to follow me screaming into the abyss ... but to try his best to procure said thing for me.

It must be love! Or something that requires Ritalin. But I'm betting on the former.

*What? You're not reading his blog? You should -- he talks about non-wedding stuff over there. Sometimes.
** Lest you should think that I'm completely wretched, I want to point out that he was talking about cheese here.

because there have been requests

2009-07-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of people have asked about the boots that I mentioned purchasing a while back. There have been inquiries about a visual. Which I suppose is to be expected -- you can hardly write about shoes (or boots, in this case, but I'm pretty sure the rules are the same) without showing a picture of them. We females are genetically designed to need an endless supply of things to wear on our feet. Or, barring that, photos of them to keep us entertained.

Case in point: two days ago I stopped by the shoe repair, where I picked up not just the three pairs I had planned to retrieve, but also a extra pair that had been living there long enough to establish residency. Where had I been going before I remembered to do this errand? I was on my way to Target to see if the sandals I'd been eyeballing ... which happened to be the exact same color as the pair I'd forgotten about ... had gone on sale yet. Realizing that such insanity was probably grounds for Mr. UB to call off the marriage, I went straight home.

What does all of this mean? Probably just that I'm a) insane, but b) still capable of exercising self-control. Except when they have a shoe sale at my place of employment, where everything is 20% off wholesale, with an additional 20% discount for employees. That's my only explanation for how I even came to try these on ... let alone purchase them. (If you are reading this and related to me ... I'm sorry.)

Ahem. I know. Don't worry -- I will not, in spite of the fact that many of my friends think it would be "awesome", wear them under my dress. I plan to wear them over dark skinny jeans -- that way they look more "I'm hot and I can kick your ass", and less "Have you seen my pimp?" At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I'll be road-testing them at the bachelorette shenanigans this weekend. Yes, I'll report back on how they are received. (If you are related to me and still reading this: really, I don't know what's gotten into me.)

(giggle)

2009-07-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

Two of our friends are going to do readings at our wedding. (That's what you call it, right? When somebody reads something during the ceremony? "Doing a reading"? ... Why does everything associated with weddings sounds so pretentious?) Ahem. Sorry. I'm more prone than usual to those kinds of outbursts as the Day draws near. Where was I?

Oh, right. Two of our friends will be reading something during our ceremony. (Much better.) When we asked them, we didn't have anything in mind. And I've been only moderately successful at finding things to suggest to them. The interwebs are chock full of ideas ... but I manage to read roughly 2.3 of them at any given time, before my brain glazes over & I find myself skimming just the first two lines before deciding "nope!" and moving on.

Fortunately, our friends are a) resourceful, and b) know us oh-so-well. And independently of each other, they came up with two passages that could not represent the Mr. & I more perfectly.

Shakespeare

&

Dr. Seuss

It's all starting to come together. (Which is a relief, because I had my first bona-fide anxiety dream about the wedding a few nights ago. It was the night before the wedding, and we realized that we'd forgotten to write a ceremony. Thank goodness T. and R. are there to make sure that doesn't happen.)

more almost-free stuff!

2009-07-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

One of the goodies that came with being picked as a couple for a Minted.com design challenge was a $250 credit toward any of the beautiful paper things on their site. The obvious choice (meaning something they have that we need): thank you cards!

I love these -- they're the perfect colors (sage green, white, slate) and the flowers look a lot like these:

I love it when things look like I planned them. It makes me feel smarter.

Now I just need them to hurry up & get here -- because "stuff" has started to arrive! The wedding fort* is acquiring a second wing.

*I didn't come up with that phrase. Elizabeth did. But I wish I had.

look! i made ... goo.

2009-07-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

I don't want to go so far as to say "I should've known better" ... but I think it's time to acknowledge my limitations.

I can design invitations. Build a website. Make paper flower-ball doodads. But this is what happens when I attempt to make homemade marshmallows for our candy buffet. Sigh. Not even my tray of the Place de la Madeleine from Fauchon can help this ... goo.

It doesn't look anything like the picture that came with the recipe. Cutting it into squares only marginally improved its appearance, and was a far messier operation than anticipated. (I now have vanilla marsh-goo between my toes.)

Also, I was promised "a lot of marshmallows" ... by my count, there are maybe 60 here (the tray is holding 3 layers of little snot-cubes). The recipe's author & I appear to have different definitions of "a lot." Then again, we clearly have many, many differences ....

Fortunately, I know myself pretty well. Which is why I made sure to note these while I was at Target buying the supplies for this experiment:

They make white ones!

Now who wants a snot-mallow? Anyone? ... hello?

holy crap - we're legal!

2009-07-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

While we were waiting in line at the courthouse to get our marriage license, Mr. UB kept me entertained with his impression of Ben from "Lost." It's very good, and therefore really creepy. Should I have been concerned that he was trying to weird me out at that particular moment?

service with an "eff u!"

2009-07-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

I received many text updates from both Mr. UB and his best man Double L during their romp through Tuxedo Land on Sunday. After traipsing all over the city, they settled on a store that has locations across the country -- helpful, since 2 of the grooms-guys live in other states -- and no reflective fabrics were involved. All seemed well. I just needed to swing by the store to look at the ties they'd picked, to make sure the colors were going to work.

Foolish, foolish me ... thinking it was going to be easy. That I'd fretted over not being there for no reason. It turns out I had plenty of reason to worry ... I was just worried about the wrong people.

I knew something was amiss from the beginning. Salesgirl asked me for his last name. Then for our wedding date. Then for his home phone number. Nope -- nothing. No record of their having been in the building for 90 minutes just 48 hours ago. Oh, joy.

(Whipping out cell phone) Hey, babe. They can't find your information. I'm sure it's here, and boy am I enjoying watching her try to act like nothing's wrong.

(to Salesgirl) He says E* helped them.

(watching Salesgirl walk into the back & pick up the store phone) Oh dear.

Have you ever known from the very first second you heard someone's voice that you were dealing with a complete idiot? Because when Salesgirl handed me the store phone, so that I could talk to E* myself, the voice I heard belonged on a gum-chomping teenager behind the counter at Hot Topic. And I don't think I'm being unjustly harsh, based on the ensuing conversation.

Yes, they had been in the store. They had tried on lots of options. She didn't write any of it down. They hadn't officially registered with the store. Oh wait, yes they had ... we found the form he filled out somewhere random -- not filed, and not with its information entered into the computer. They hadn't been measured for sizes. Oh wait, yes they had ... those were written somewhere else, on pieces of paper not attached to his main card. There were no notes about what styles/colors they wanted anywhere on any of the various pieces of paper. But E* remembered what he liked. Oh wait, no she didn't ... because what she told Salesgirl to show me was the designer he'd said didn't fit him well. And there was a vest, which I knew he'd decided against. And she brought out 2 different shades of green ties, not 1 green & 1 blue, which is the only thing I was supposed to drop by and register my freaking opinion about!!! Ahem.

I wanted to go all 'zilla on Salesgirl, but it wasn't her fault. And I really wanted to sink my talons into E*, but what's the point? Sure, you can yell at stupid people, but it doesn't help.

So I left & went next door to Starbucks, even though their parking lot had a snarky sign about "No Starbucks Parking!" Take that, E*!

(Why do Frappucinos cause such dragon breath? What's in those things?)

d'oh!

2009-07-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

I hate it when I'm unfairly accused of making things complicated. Yes, I have planned a wedding that includes a ceremony in one city, a dinner afterwards that is not the reception, and a reception on a different day in another city, all because I really don't want to get married in Los Angeles, a city that I have no emotional attachment to despite my having lived here for (gulp) a decade, and also because this way I can maintain the illusion that I had a small wedding while still indulging my desire to have a big silly party with all my friends. I will cop to every bit of that, and throw in a cheeky grin that says "ain't I just the darnedest?" on top of it. But this ... this is just silly.

Before we decided to have people RSVP via email, I designed a card to include with the invitations. Since I didn't want my time/effort/creative brilliance to go to waste, I used it as a picture on the website page that tells people where to email their replies. Simple, right? Not so much.

Now I'm getting emails saying that the "form" on our site is broken. People are apparently spending upwards of 20 minutes attempting to type into the graphic. Even though a mere fraction of an inch to the right it says, and I quote, "Please email to the above address & let us know if you'll be able to join us!"

Reading is fundamental people. It isn't that complicated ... well, this part isn't, anyway.

it's the little things

2009-07-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Reason #237 why I adore him: I can text him from Target.

Me: U have time for a Google search?

Him: Sure

Me: What's the difference between powdered sugar & confectioner's sugar? Is there one?

Him: They're the same thing, per whatscookingamerica.net

I mean, seriously. He was at work. And he didn't even hesitate. Awesome = him.

So why not one more question?

Me: What about parchment paper vs. waxed paper?

Him: Waxed paper is wax coated, parchment is silicone coated, and only parchment paper is safe to use in an oven. Wax paper will melt and smoke. Like crazy.

Me: Good to know.

Him: U cooking something?

Me: I think my questions are far more interesting absent a context.

Why yes, I do approach every activity from a position of "how can I make this more entertaining?" It works ... kinda. I amuse me.

i shall attepmt to remain calm, but no promises ...

2009-07-17T11:29:00.000-07:00

source

We all know about the tradition of the groom not seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding. I have no clue about the reason for/origin of this "rule" -- bad luck? not as exciting? just one of those Things You're Supposed To Do? Sure, I could probably Google & find out, but I don't particularly care. It's important to Mr. UB, though, which means I'm happy to play along. I think it's kind of adorable that I need to warn him when I post pics of my head thingy, petticoat, etc.

But now he's taking this a bit further. He doesn't want me to see what he's wearing before the wedding. As in I've been banned from the expedition with groomsmen to Men's Warehouse this Sunday. Hence the title of this entry ...

Allow me to explain: it's not that I'm some crazed control freak who wants to micro-manage what my man wears, or disregard his opinions about things. Hello -- he has to wear the damned thing, of course he should get what he wants. But ... um ... this is the same man who caused the Irridescent Teal Tie Incident a few months back ... so I have concerns. And I'm trying to stay reasonable -- really trying -- but I don't know about this.

I tried everything, from mentioning that I would consult him on a video game purchase, to acting hurt, (am I proud? no -- I'm human) to outright begging. No dice. What am I supposed to say when he tells me that picking out his tux feels like the last autonomous act of his single-dom? I can't compete with that.

Fortunately, I had one last weapon in my arsenal: his Best Man's cell number. While the above discussion was still going on, I was furiously texting, with lots of things in all caps and way too many exclamation points. And while it turns out that the bastard drives a much harder bargain than I expected from such a normally mild-mannered dude (his 1st response: "What's it worth to you?") ... I have secured his having-my-backness. It's costing me money, drugs and lapdance lessons for his girlfriend, but it's worth it. Now I just have to figure out where to get drugs. And money, for that matter.

So: LL -- if you're reading this, let me re-itereate: NOTHING REFLECTIVE!! Or I'll make you guys wear those effing ties!

*Please note that the purpose of this entry is to (hopefully) get the Bridal Blogoverse to weigh in and take my side, regardless of my argument's merit. And babe: love you!

the Actress Diaries, ch. 5

2009-07-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

I swear I didn't plan this, or ever think it would work out this way. But my awesome, silly day job has landed me yet another TV gig. Allow me to explain:

One of my students works on Saving Grace, which is a previously-obscure-to-me series on TNT starring Holly Hunter -- being the only person in America without cable, I'm behind the curve sometimes. (Having watched an episode online to prepare for the audition, I'm now obsessed. Hurry up, Netflix!) She knew that I'd done my thang on House recently, and gave me a heads-up that her show was also planning an episode in a strip club. Thank you, Hollywood, for being predictably awesome. She took in my pic&res and had clearly sung my praises to the folks who make decisions about these things ... and woo hoo!! I booked it.

We shot two days ago. I'm disappointed to report that I didn't get to snap a picture with Holly Hunter, but I did get to watch her work ... and wow. (Warning: geek-out imminent.) It was amazing to be "right there" while someone I admire so incredibly much worked out a scene with the director & other actors. Talk about your fantasy acting class.

And then things just got silly.

Extra Guy playing club patron: Where'd you get the nickname Coco?

Me: (long pause) In the script.

Extra Guy: You don't look like a Coco.

Me: (another, longer pause) I'm not.

Maybe it was his first day. I really wish I could wear my engagement ring while I'm working sometimes. (Astutely figuring that Coco the Stripper is not, like me, engaged, I left it at home.)

I got some nice screen time again, but no dialogue (again -- dammit!) It's a pretty funny scene -- a man's wife sends his priest to the club to drag her husband away from my charms. (There should be more scenes with priests in strip clubs. Can somebody out there make that happen?) At any rate, it didn't suck to hear this take after take. "Look at that, Reverend. Perfection named Coco. God made that. God is great." Hehe!!

Not that I take that kind of thing to heart, mind you. But it made up for this -- copied verbatim from the character description in an audition notice for the next day:

ATTRACTIVE LOOKING, INTERESTING FACE, GOOD WITH DIALOGUE. SHE IS HOT AND HAS A GREAT BODY, BUT IS A BIT PAST HER PRIME ALREADY. NOT VERY SOPHISTICATED. EVEN A BIT TRAMPISH. GREAT ACTRESS.

Anyone who's still wondering just how, exactly, I became the snarky delight that I am ... please read that again.

... at least my agent thinks I'm a "great actress."

more coveting

2009-07-16T09:22:00.001-07:00

So ... very ... tempted ...

I think that's the sexiest pair of bikini bottoms I've ever seen. And it's on sale ... down from $250 to $90 ... surely that's worth something? Now where did I put my trust fund -- I can't seem to find it anywhere.

Curse you, Agent Provocateur!!

2 more points in the "happy" column

2009-07-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

(yes, I know I'm posting a lot of stuff today -- I've been busy, not lazy!)

1) I've started getting feedback about the invitations, and all of it has been so nice. I'm all gooey-smiley from hearing so many lovely compliments. I was a little concerned that they would turn out handmade-looking-in-the-bad-way. So phew/yippee!!

2) My uber-fantastic MOH, Our Lady of the Holiday, has put things in motion for my bachelorette activities! I dragged my feet about discussing I wanted to do with her -- I'm so not good at "hooray for me!" kinds of events. But now I'm getting excited -- she's booked us a suite (a suite!!) at the Mondrian here in town, where we will a) laze by the pool, b) wander into the spa for pampering, and c) be perfectly positioned to jump into a night of pub crawling/ generally silly behavior.
The one thing I wish I could change: because she & I both work weekends, we're doing it on a weekday -- which means that most of the people in my life with normal jobs can't join us. I'd change that if I could, but I figure the party would be somewhat senseless without me there. So we shall soldier on without them.

I'm planning on making that night the debut of my new boots.*

*I didn't lie about not buying them, babe. But I found out the next day that staff got 40% off. It's like they were taunting me -- I'm a weak woman!!

vive Pierre!

2009-07-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

Hooray for delegating: our catering dilemma is solved! (Note to self: you're allowed to say "you handle it, babe" sometimes. He likes coming to the rescue.) My awesome amazing lovely fiance is also resourceful, dammit!

Ever since the Psycho Caterer Incident, this task was officially Mr. UB's to handle. He was entirely willing, mind you ... but I'm not so good at admitting that I can't do something. Even if that something is only "continue dealing with this crap." But it's official: they broke me. And it doesn't matter because Mr. UB has pwned the mutha!*

He found Pierre. And I kind of want to hug him. (Pierre, I mean. I definitely want to hug Mr. UB.) He's worked at our venue before, and collaborated with the decorator lady there. Every detail that we're planning elicited an "oh, perfect -- that's easy!" from him: it's only the reception, it's "small", we want a buffet, we won't need staff there for the whole event, we already have a cake. (They're going to cut the cake for us at no extra charge!)

And the absolute best part: when he heard that we were hoping to feed 110 - 120 people for between $3000 - $4000, he asked a few more questions then guaranteed that he would do it for "not a cent over $3500." We're talking plates & glasses, all the buffet stuff like ice buckets & beverage jars, a bartender, waiters ... everything! All he wants from us is a good reference ... um, hello: done. Seriously, I want to drive to where he is & hug him.

If that wasn't endearing enough, he's promised to be there himself on the day of, to make sure all goes smoothly. And he "warned" Mr. UB that because his business relies entirely on word-of-mouth, he's going to put more effort into the deliciousness and presentation of the food, rather than frills like fancy china. It's like he's inside my head!!

So please -- help us make good on our end of the bargain. If you're anywhere near Los Angeles and you need someone to cater an event, talk to Pierre. You won't regret it.**

*Nerd-to-English translation: kicked butt and solved everything
** yes, his website is a little chaotic. Call him anyway.

soon

2009-07-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

One month from tomorrow: I will marry the man of my dreams.

One month from tomorrow: I will step boldly into a new adventure.

One month from tomorrow: I will change my name.

One month from tomorrow: We will celebrate surrounded by our loved ones & their love for us.

One month from tomorrow: We will vow, and kiss, and dance.

One month from tomorrow: He will call me his wife.

ps ... it's almost tomorrow.

it just gets better

2009-07-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

She was serious. Insane Caterer #3 has responded to Mr. UB's email, and she was serious. She claims that we never discussed our budget (sure, because it's easy to forget that insignificant detail in a vendor meeting), and reminded him that she hadn't even included a price for renting china. Which is odd, because he & I both recall talking about how we'd like to use eco- (and wallet-) friendly bamboo.

Other things I cannot begin to fathom: If we're paying $350 each for two chefs, and somehow have the only buffet in the world that requires six waiters, then what pray tell do the other three kitchen staff do? Forgive my ignorance, but if they aren't cooking the food or serving it, then what exactly are they doing? I imagine it's pretty special since it costs $300 per person.

Also, we really look forward to the explanation of her $2000 "production fee", which as best as I can tell from the fine print seems to include nothing more than driving the food to our location. Yes, of course -- the cost of fuel has skyrocketed in the last few years, and I'm sure that most people hold their events in her freaking kitchen, so naturally we'd expect to pay a 20% premium to have the food delivered to our venue.

Now I just have to figure out how to let the person who recommended this psycho know that "it didn't really work out."

On the upside, I managed not to swear today. At least, not here in print.

I'll be here if you need me

2009-07-07T15:14:00.001-07:00

{A caveat if you're squeamish about these sorts of things: I'm probably going to swear in this entry.}

I've been acting like the guy in the picture up there. Well, kind of. Actually, I think I've been doing rather amazingly well with the whole shindig-planning thing, considering where I started and how steep the learning curve has been. I've been coasting along, checking items off my list (or rather, the list in the book my mom gave me.) Dress: check! Venues: check! Invitations: check! It was all going so ... very ... well. Until.

Until the fucking caterers got involved. (Hey -- I warned you.) I don't know what the hell it is about caterers. My interactions with their kind prior to this was limited to about 4 gigs as a cater waiter when I was hard-up for cash. And nobody at those events was visibly insane. Well, there was one client, but I can hardly blame the catering company for her behavior. But getting back to my point: either it's time for some Primal Scream Therapy, or I'm going to just stick my head in the sand & wait for them all to go away.

Caterer #1: Mr. UB & I had a meeting/tasting with one catering person, who was recommended by our friend/informal consultant. We loved the food, but were a little put off by the amount of the quote. Granted, we had asked her to give us the absoloute highest estimate for what we want, with all the bells & whistles, so that we could scale things back if necessary. Still, she was about $1000 more than we want to spend, so we moved on.

Caterer #2: A friend of mine recommended someone she's used before, who happens to run a restaurant I really like. They were nice, but their quote included things like a $200 fee for bringing our own alcohol. I'm sorry, but if I'm bringing the booze, why the hell would I give you $200? We'd already be paying your bartender to serve it, so what, exactly, is that fee for? Because the alternative is to buy the liquor from you at $6 a beer. And that just isn't going to happen. Also, thanks for giving us a price for 12 hours of staff, when we told you we only need five.

Caterer #3: One of my students told me that a friend of hers who used to be in the film biz now works for a catering company. She swore that by using her name, this person would deal straight with us. The Mr. & I met her for coffee, where we explained what we're hoping to do (a casual buffet), for how many people, and what our budget is. She really seemed to get it, and we really clicked with her. Or so I thought. She emailed us today ... and somehow "we'd like to do this for between $3000 - $4000" got us a $13,000 quote.

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I let Mr. UB email her back. I was afraid that all I was capable of writing was that little stream of invective above.

And bless him, not only did he manage to compose a letter that was beyond-polite. But he also sent me this text:

100 pizzas from CPK = $1500. Beer & wine only = about $500. No caterer = priceless.

Me'n the ostrich are staying put. He can take it from here.

photo source