Lucy's first (best) trick

another reason to hate Target, plus some random silliness

Please don't hate me -- I ordered it before I read about Target's political fuckwittery. (And yes, it's taken me this long to open it. Your point is ...?) So now that that's settled: check out this noise:


Gee, guys ... way to use efficient, earth-friendly packaging. Douche nozzles.

(Just to settle wtf that thing is: it's a shoe rack. Current Score: Last 2 moving boxes in the bedroom: 0, Me: 1.)

And from the Dept. of Proof That Everything is Political, I bring you a literal transcription of texting 'twixt me & the Mr. yesterday:

Me: I went to the free neighborhood poo pile*, and they were out of poo!

Him: I hear the Tea Party rallies are full of shit. Try there.

I heart him.

* the City of L.A. provides free mulch. Or at least, it did. It looks like the Budget Crisis has gotten so bad, they literally can't give us shit anymore. Thanks, Mayor Asshat.

ch-ch-ch-ch- changes!

Finally! a few images of what's been up with Isabelle. (Yes, that's the house's name.)

First:
In the Living Room: out with the vomit-tan, in with the greige (dammit! I miss Domino) and blue ceiling detail. Drapery to replace awful vertical blinds = a work in progress.

In the kitchen, we've secretly replaced the "oak" cabinets with these:
Let's see if she notices! But seriously ... the Mr. just finished stripping the icky varnish off the doors, so the next steps are: sand, paint, & re-attach those.

And in the hallway, just a few adjusted hinges away from completion:
Our built-ins! Here's the doors that are awaiting their pretty satin nickel hinges:
Aren't they pretty, with their non-paint-encrusted hardware? I know!!

Oh, and referring back to this entry's title ... and just because her name rhymes with Bowie:
It's Zöe**!! Wearing the shirt we got her for her birthday. (She's the most fashion-y fashionista I currently know. Girl changed her outfit 4 times that night!)

{** NOT OUR DOG!! That's my friend Bayleigh's dog. Stop congratulating us -- we just bought her a damn t-shirt!!!}

More pics on the way -- the contractor is coming!1!!

stuff that makes me happy

I tried to embed the videos, but for some reason there was no code to make that happen. So follow the links -- they're worth it.

1) Cats are awesome.

2) Did I mention that cats are awesome?

3) We're not officially in escrow yet, but we seem to have made it past the Evil Gatekeeper of the House That Might Become Ours. News update to follow, as soon as there's anything to report ....

stuff I've gotten done

We've been a little slow on getting out the thank you cards. Like, a snail-race-through-molasses slow. But it's for a good reason. Or at least, a "good" reason. Mr. UB had the breel-yint idea to send each person a photograph of us using their gift, so as to make them feel like we really appreciate it. Or at least like it's not just gathering dust in an attic somewhere. (Not to worry: we don't have an attic!) A few people had to get left out of this fabulosity, because their gifts are in our storage unit (yes, we will remember them at Christmas), but for the most part, we "thanked" our people for their generosity thusly:

J, who bought us the luggage set, got this:

And S, our wine hook-up, received this little gem:
I'm sure they realize just how worth the wait that all was ....

In other news (aka Shopping Success Stories), behold:
$219 at Restoration Hardware

$10 at a thrift store in the valley. Hell no, I'm not saying which one.

Can world domination be far away?

wedding recap: ceremony readings

With a guest list of only 40 people, the Mr. & I wanted to keep the number of "attendants" to a reasonable number. (Yes, that's me adding the parentheses -- there are some things I just can't take too seriously. Like having people "attend" to us. But I digress ...)

The only problem with this was how to include as many people in the goings-on as possible. We had His Parents enter at the beginning of the processional, and both My Mom & My Dad walked me down the aisle. And we included two more of our friends by asking them to do readings. (Yes, the 2nd person reading is dressed as a groomsman -- he generously stepped into that role, too, for a friend who couldn't make it from the east coast.)

So: the near-&-dear people were in ... but what to have them read? My brain was glazing over at this point, so thankfully they both stepped up with suggestions. Perfect suggestions.

First, our friend T. read Shakespeare's Sonnet #119.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

(We're both actors, so this was both lovely & extra-fitting.)

Then groomsman R. read "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. (I credited him as Theodor Geisel on the programs, so as not to give it away.)
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So get on your way!

(We're also both very silly.)

It was the perfect combination of "us" ....

the Actress Diaries, ch. 7 & 8

Chapter 7: The Pole Whisperer

(No, that's not what the show is really called. But since I'm playing another stripper ... and yes, that's 4 this year. I seem to have found my niche. Mom's gonna be so proud.)

Time I was due on set: 9am.
Time I got into hair/ make-up/ wardrobe: immediately.
Time my first scene started shooting: 5pm.
Next time anybody you know says they want to be an actor ... ask them why. Please. Then tell me. (I'll be the one playing with her iPhone for 8 hours in a trailer.)

I just found out my episode airs Friday, November 6th at 8pm PST. Set your DVR, and don't blink or you'll miss me.


Chapter 8: San Francisco

The play I'm currently in went on the road last weekend, to San Francisco. And it was just ... one of those trips. I gave our newest cast member a mafia nickname ("Charlie Underpants"). Our resident pothead provided constant amusement as he attempted to score weed off everyone from an abuela at a bus stop in the 'burbs, to "his crackhead" in the city. We went sightseeing at midnight on Sunday. And the show went well, too.

Actually, Saturday's show was the best performance I've ever been a part of -- every joke hit, and we could literally do no wrong. I had a ton of family come -- though I'm glad I didn't know my dad was in the front row until after the show, especially during the scene where Fidel Castro snorts coke off my boobs. It may have helped that the crowd was drinking heavily (Sunday they were much quieter), but whatever. It was truly awesome.

I'm still getting used to Traveling While Married. But telling a guy "Look, I'm married, so you've got no shot, but if you want to stand here & keep buying me drinks & acting like you're getting somewhere, I will flirt with you 'til last call" actually worked: it limited the creepy & netted a few cocktails.

Also, I learned that unorthodox professions can confuse service industry professionals. To wit: the waiter who asked "What are you in town for?" and was told "We're a traveling band of Jack Nicholson impersonators," is probably still not sure if we meant it. When he asked me, "Really?" I told him, "No, I play a representative sample of all the women he's slept with." That didn't seem to help very much. Oh well.

Last show in L.A. is tonight -- woo hoo!

playing hooky

I'm supposed to be doing "real" posts about our wedding, but I'm distracted. A) We're trying to find a house, and it's just not sane out there, kids. At least, not in our price range. And B) I've been busy with Ahk-ting. For money, even. But I'll get to that eventually. For now, I just want to post silly photos that make me giggle.

Yes, babe, that's a much better use of the reception decor. Excellent work.

To be honest, I have no idea what's happening here ... there are so many options. But I love that Marija captured it. This may be my Christmas card this year. "Happy Holidays, and Don't Even Jest About Taking My Slice of Cake!"

My friends are awesome. Notice the lack of boys -- they were all hiding on the deck outside. Wussies.

Yes, we'll probably photoshop the panties out when we make prints for the parentals. Probably.

utter nonsense

And yet, it makes me giggle.

via here.
(Amsterdam is so pretty.)

Besides, it's better than navel-gazing, self-indulgent whinging ... isn't it?

getting back into the habit

Okay, so in between sorting through thousands of photos & trying to decide what to call this blog after the recap posting is done ... I have a few more favorite pics to share.

Me & my hot-ass MOH, Our Lady of the Holiday.
The Mr. & I having a sweet moment at the post-ceremony dinner ...

... and a not-so-serious moment on the beach in Malibu.
I know I've been terrible about reading & commenting on so many of my favorite sites out there. I've got nothing remotely resembling a good excuse -- I've just been hormonal & sulking. But I still love you & I'm shaking off the cobwebs, I promise.

did they really think we'd behave ourselves?

We skipped lots of "traditional" stuff at our wedding. No bouquet or garter toss (I think they're lame & demeaning, respectively), no money dance (gross) unless you count having "10 Dollar" by M.I.A. in my playlist, and no "dance, monkey!"-type glass clinking allowed. We just got married, for peet's, sake ... wait 2 minutes, and you'll probably see us lip-locking of our own accord.

Of course, some people either a) couldn't control the impulse to try, or b) had developed both mild spastic conditions and an inability to stop clenching their cutlery (weird, I know) ... and there was a single glass-clinking incident. One. At which the Mr. & I turned and laid a serious smooch on the people nearest to us.


That was pretty much the only time anyone clinked a damn glass. Weird, huh? Although I did hear the other groomsmen were disappointed that the Mr. didn't try to slip Double-L the tongue.

And here we'd decided not to make any statement about our support for marriage equality, so as to avoid starting a political argument at our wedding.* Whoops!

* I did hear about the political argument that a few of our guests got into at dinner. Thank you to all involved for keeping your voices down, and thus allowing me to remain blissfully ignorant of said conversation.

first peek

I love this picture. And to be clear: I totally would've jumped, too -- but I was afraid I'd never extract my heels from the grass.

the Actress Diaries, ch. 6

A brief update: my episode of "Saving Grace" airs this coming Tuesday, August 11th, at 10pm on TNT. (I say "my" lightly. It hardly centers around me.) And just today I got called to play another (ABC) Family-friendly stripper on "Greek" that same day. I appear to have cornered the market on television strippers who don't actually take their clothes off. Finally -- I've been type-cast!

Also, I rescheduled an audition tomorrow so that the Mr. & I can take advantage of his dentist's offer of free pre-wedding teeth whitening. Apparently I've finally gone Hollywood. I feel a little dirty. (In my defense, "free" is my favorite price.)

a moment of levity ...

... as I contemplate losing my sanity once & for all. (We're 10 days out.) Via text:

Me: the new hair lady has 2 puppies, 2 kitties and a bird!

Him: While you were there? Baby that's a pet groomers, not a stylist.

To clarify: I was at her home. But it still cracked me up. As in laughter ... not mumbling & drooling.

That's on my calendar for tomorrow.

all the news that's *safe* 2.0

Chapter 2: Monday -- my Bachelorette Party

I picked up my MOH, Our Lady of the Holiday, from the airport & we grabbed a late breakfast, then bought a few supplies for the planned festivities. While we were in line waiting to purchase them, we noticed the lady behind us staring at the contents of our basket: 2 bottles of champagne, 6 trashy tabloids and 1 clinical-strength deodorant. So we looked at her basket: tofu, cucumbers, lettuce. She sighed & said, "Your basket looks like way more fun." That's just how we roll.

Next stop: the Mondrian Hotel in Hollywood, where Holiday had booked us waaay-too-nice of a suite. She kicked me to the spa where I got a super-yummy body scrub & massage (purrr), and by the time I made it out to the pool my friends P. and M. had joined us. (Life in L.A. would be so much more tolerable if I could spend all my afternoons chilling by that pool ... I should look into that.) We took lots of photos, giggled at the trashy mags, and got reprimanded by a pool boy for sneaking in an "outside" bottle of champagne. (Bat eyes & hand him empty bottle. "Sorry!") We also wondered why you would wear a flourescent green sweatshirt and then act like you didn't want to be recognized, Spike Lee? The best quote of the afternoon, by far, came from H. herself: "Unfortunately, he also spoke English."

We stayed until they closed the pool, then went upstairs to get cleaned up. P. couldn't stay for dinner, but she did tell us we HAD to order the butterfish. The rest of us agreed that "butter fish" sounded like slang for a person with a really slammin' body, who'd had something "unfortunate" happen to her ... anatomy. Trust me -- after the 2nd bottle of champagne, this was high-larious.

My friend K. was off work in time to join us for dinner, where we did order the butterfish, decided it was delicious, and still laughed like 6 yr.-olds about its name.

After dinner, M. had to leave us (she had an early start the next day) but we were joined by J. and a 2nd K. at a bar in Hollywood. We went there because a) it was close to the hotel, b) it's pretty cheap, and c) you can order cocktails in both a beach pail and a fish bowl. I'm sorry to report that there were no fish in the fish bowl ... at least, I really hope there weren't. But there was free popcorn, which I kept getting up to refill just to make people stare at The Boots as I walked by. We stayed until the lights came on, then went back and passed out in the hotel's much-too-comfy bed.

On the way to drop Holiday back at the airport, we sealed the experience with breakfast at Sprinkles cupcakes.

Thanks to each & every person who was able to join us & celebrate with me. It meant the world to me. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect day.

(And to everyone who couldn't make it because we did this on a weekday: stay tuned ...)

all the news that's *safe* to print

This past weekend saw lots of silliness on behalf of both Mr. UB & myself. I'm going to leave out a few details because we're not anonymous here, (hi, family members we told about this blog!) but what follows is most of what happened.

Chapter 1: Sunday -- his Bachelor Party.

credit

Mr. UB was kept in the dark about any specific plans. All he knew was when he'd be picked up (11:00 a.m. Sunday), what to pack (swim trunks, something nice for going out, and a change of clothes) and when he'd be home (5:00 p.m. Monday).

I got a text from him around 9:30 p.m.

Him: You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

Me: Glad to hear it. Now back to your debauchery.

My first thought was that texting me mid-bachelor party was kind of a weenie move. My second thought was that he's my very thoughtful weenie, and that I appreciated the reassurance.

That's all I heard until the next day, when I got another text.

Him: I'm home. Remind me to tell you what happened to R's boots.

Apparently he was taken to San Diego for a planned afternoon by the pool & night on the town. Except that in a major fail, best man Double-L didn't keep an eye on the Mr's water intake. So after a little too much sun, he wandered upstairs & fell asleep. He woke up momentarily to text me, then passed out again until morning. The rest of the guys enjoyed a very nice steak dinner, but they were all in bed by 10 p.m.

Him: I think I slept through my bachelor party.

Yep -- that's my weenie. In his defense, they're going to try again next weekend when they go to Vegas for R's birthday, since I have to stay home for work.

Oh, and he says I'm not allowed to tell you what happened to those boots.

holy crap - we're legal!

While we were waiting in line at the courthouse to get our marriage license, Mr. UB kept me entertained with his impression of Ben from "Lost." It's very good, and therefore really creepy. Should I have been concerned that he was trying to weird me out at that particular moment?

it's the little things

Reason #237 why I adore him: I can text him from Target.

Me: U have time for a Google search?

Him: Sure

Me: What's the difference between powdered sugar & confectioner's sugar? Is there one?

Him: They're the same thing, per whatscookingamerica.net

I mean, seriously. He was at work. And he didn't even hesitate. Awesome = him.

So why not one more question?

Me: What about parchment paper vs. waxed paper?

Him: Waxed paper is wax coated, parchment is silicone coated, and only parchment paper is safe to use in an oven. Wax paper will melt and smoke. Like crazy.

Me: Good to know.

Him: U cooking something?

Me: I think my questions are far more interesting absent a context.

Why yes, I do approach every activity from a position of "how can I make this more entertaining?" It works ... kinda. I amuse me.

the Actress Diaries, ch. 5

I swear I didn't plan this, or ever think it would work out this way. But my awesome, silly day job has landed me yet another TV gig. Allow me to explain:

One of my students works on Saving Grace, which is a previously-obscure-to-me series on TNT starring Holly Hunter -- being the only person in America without cable, I'm behind the curve sometimes. (Having watched an episode online to prepare for the audition, I'm now obsessed. Hurry up, Netflix!) She knew that I'd done my thang on House recently, and gave me a heads-up that her show was also planning an episode in a strip club. Thank you, Hollywood, for being predictably awesome. She took in my pic&res and had clearly sung my praises to the folks who make decisions about these things ... and woo hoo!! I booked it.

We shot two days ago. I'm disappointed to report that I didn't get to snap a picture with Holly Hunter, but I did get to watch her work ... and wow. (Warning: geek-out imminent.) It was amazing to be "right there" while someone I admire so incredibly much worked out a scene with the director & other actors. Talk about your fantasy acting class.

And then things just got silly.

Extra Guy playing club patron: Where'd you get the nickname Coco?

Me: (long pause) In the script.

Extra Guy: You don't look like a Coco.

Me: (another, longer pause) I'm not.

Maybe it was his first day. I really wish I could wear my engagement ring while I'm working sometimes. (Astutely figuring that Coco the Stripper is not, like me, engaged, I left it at home.)

I got some nice screen time again, but no dialogue (again -- dammit!) It's a pretty funny scene -- a man's wife sends his priest to the club to drag her husband away from my charms. (There should be more scenes with priests in strip clubs. Can somebody out there make that happen?) At any rate, it didn't suck to hear this take after take. "Look at that, Reverend. Perfection named Coco. God made that. God is great." Hehe!!

Not that I take that kind of thing to heart, mind you. But it made up for this -- copied verbatim from the character description in an audition notice for the next day:

ATTRACTIVE LOOKING, INTERESTING FACE, GOOD WITH DIALOGUE. SHE IS HOT AND HAS A GREAT BODY, BUT IS A BIT PAST HER PRIME ALREADY. NOT VERY SOPHISTICATED. EVEN A BIT TRAMPISH. GREAT ACTRESS.

Anyone who's still wondering just how, exactly, I became the snarky delight that I am ... please read that again.

... at least my agent thinks I'm a "great actress."

2 more points in the "happy" column

(yes, I know I'm posting a lot of stuff today -- I've been busy, not lazy!)

1) I've started getting feedback about the invitations, and all of it has been so nice. I'm all gooey-smiley from hearing so many lovely compliments. I was a little concerned that they would turn out handmade-looking-in-the-bad-way. So phew/yippee!!

2) My uber-fantastic MOH, Our Lady of the Holiday, has put things in motion for my bachelorette activities! I dragged my feet about discussing I wanted to do with her -- I'm so not good at "hooray for me!" kinds of events. But now I'm getting excited -- she's booked us a suite (a suite!!) at the Mondrian here in town, where we will a) laze by the pool, b) wander into the spa for pampering, and c) be perfectly positioned to jump into a night of pub crawling/ generally silly behavior.
The one thing I wish I could change: because she & I both work weekends, we're doing it on a weekday -- which means that most of the people in my life with normal jobs can't join us. I'd change that if I could, but I figure the party would be somewhat senseless without me there. So we shall soldier on without them.

I'm planning on making that night the debut of my new boots.*

*I didn't lie about not buying them, babe. But I found out the next day that staff got 40% off. It's like they were taunting me -- I'm a weak woman!!