i'm not sure about this tree ...

Our banana tree is making babies. That part I'm sure about. What I'm not sure about is how it's making them. As you can see, our "tree" is actually three separate trees in close proximity. And once I got past worrying about whether or not it was going to die (things grown from cuttings look rough for a while, kids) I was pleased to see it thriving. And then I noticed these little guys:


And this dude:


and this brazen fellow:


Here's the thing: I'm home during the day at wildly varying hours, and I get home from teaching pretty late. The Mr. leaves for work at first light. Neither of us has ever seen these trees getting it on. When the heck are they doing it? Do they hear us coming & straighten up, brushing off any telltale dirt & fluffing their leaves like sofa cushions?

Also: three trees reproducing = who are the parents?!? Is there an awkward arboreal love triangle in my backyard? Are the kinky bastards involved in some kind of hippie banana commune "free love" arrangement? (Kinda redefines "tree-hugger", doesn't it?)

One thing is for sure, though. Based on the complexion of the babies, I think we can rule out the red banana from the other side of the yard:

Which is kind of surprising ... I totally had him pegged as the neighborhood perv.

victory over Swedish Hieroglyph Man!

We just successfully assembled our kitchen table.

I only made one egregious mistake along the way. I consider that a victory. (Those are Temporary Chairs. Real Chairs to follow, as soon as we agree on some.)

my latest project, aka why I ache

Our fabulous little house was vacant for almost exactly a year by the time we moved in. Frankly, I was surprised that the yard hadn't gone more to-seed. To wit:

Our little patch of at-least-they-didn't-pave-everything on the right-hand side there looked pretty normal. Blank-slate-ish, almost. And then it rained.

It rained a lot. For a long time (for L.A., anyway). And this happened:

To use a local expression ... duuuuuuude.

Actually, we didn't think it was so bad -- at least it's green, right? Sure, we started to get flyers for landscaping services on our gate every day. Okay, fine, fair enough. But it wasn't a priority (hello, bathroom?).

Then we got a notice from the city about fire hazards & fines for non-compliance with brush-clearing ordinances.

Dammit.

The Mr. suggested acquiring a weed whacker from the nearby Home Despot. I countered that unless we yanked those babies out by the roots, we'd just be caught in an endless cycle of brush-clearance despair. (Side note to the neighbors I suspect were laughing at us during the Puffy Yard Stage: at least we don't park cars on it, n'est pas?) And just in case you were hoping (you? okay, me -- I was hoping) that said roots were shallow & not-so-hardy, behold:



In other news, I've discovered that gloves aren't for pussies ... they're for people who don't like bleeding.

Anyway: after a few days of "perhaps" overdoing it (where "perhaps" = lying in bed at night, unable to make a fist because my hands were so swollen), I produced this:

Also, it turns out that the city of L.A. will pick up as much yard waste as you can bag/bundle once a year for free! -- which is a good thing, because we are about 25 Hefty bags past our green trash bin's capacity. Why so many? Did I mention I did the backyard, too?

It's cool -- I know I'm insane.

I also have plans. They're modest plans, at least to start, and they involve scouring Craigslist daily for free stuff we can use to make a desert-friendly garden (because we live in the desert, folks. There are no lawns in the effing desert! Ahem.) For starters, I want to hide our lovely retaining wall with some of these:

photo credit

I ordered 4 "starter sized" plants, and seeds for some smaller ones like these:

photo credit

all at Amazon. As soon as they arrive, we'll see if I can manage to not kill them. Because it's important to have goals, kids. Write that down.

moving in, part deux

I was dreading today, because I thought it would be larger. And by "it", I mean this:

We'd just started getting a handle on things -- most of it was put away, except for the few boxes that were awaiting the return of furniture-they-get-stored-in ... and that furniture was in The Box.

Contents of The Box = everything that didn't fit into the apartment after we merged households. (It sounds so sexy when I describe it like that, doesn't it?) I was scared because I hadn't seen The Box before today -- it was packed (like a mutha!) by the Mr. at his old apartment. And I'd heard that it was the world's biggest game of Tetris ever to pack it. (See below -- it totally was.) But once I saw the actual size, and realized that if you took into account his mattress & box spring, dresser, bedside table, desk & bookcase (all items we were definitely needing), it couldn't be that bad. Right? Well:


Wow. Well played, babe. It's just like moving in all over again ... hooray.

We've already consigned the futon mattress set & lots of t-shirts he's managed to live a healthy & fruitful life without for the last 6 months to the Donate Bin. If they didn't already love us at our local Out of the Closet, they haven't seen anything yet.

aaaaand we're back!!!

Phew! I was seriously turning a shade somewhere between cerulean & indigo there, waiting for our FUCKING INTERWEBS TO GET WORKING. Ahem. I'm sorry. I don't mean to swear. (Really. I try not to. I just suck at not-swearing.)

In case anyone has been wondering about the brevity/simplicity of my recent (aka post-move) posts, allow me to elucidate: We had DSL service at the apartment, with a small-ish provider whose service/pricing/support we adored. So naturally we tried to just shift our account with them to the new Owned By Us address. We had to wait 5 (five!!) days, because AT&T makes you suffer if you don't use their 'net service, for the phone to get "turned on". I guess the guy who had to flip a switch was busy that week. Anyway, once the 5-day time frame had elapsed: still no 'net. So we called, and were asked to wait ANOTHER 2 (two!!) days for a technician to come out & investigate.

Which he did. I was here. And a Very Large Dude, who was surprisingly friendly AND helpful, played with some wires outside the house (even though it was raining). And he diagnosed us as 3000 ft. too far from the DSL hub to get service. (Insert Lumbergh voice here:) "Greeaaaaat."

So: back to square 1. Call cable company. They'll come out in 3 (three!!) business days. Except that the 3rd day was Effing President's Day. (Stoopid Presidents.) So we just. finally. got. service. today.

(By the by, my interim posts were made via a nifty iPhone app called BlogWriter. I was very pleased with the results. Get the free version, unless you have the urge to post photos -- then it's a worthwhile $1.99. But you can't delete posts ... hence the bewildering stuff that I just got rid of, from my "learning curve" phase.)

At any rate: Howdy! I'm still here! And we still have no bathroom to speak of. (Epic Construction Timing Fail.) But here's what we do have:
An uber-fancy new light/fan, with switches that independently control both functions! And paint! And some bead board (slightly visible)!

A couple of fixtures! Including a rain bath shower head, and that awesome outlet-find light for over the (eventually) medicine cabinet.

And various kinds of flooring! That's the river rock stuff in the shower floor, and those (totally my fault, expensive-ish) penny tiles on the rest of the floor. Also, a better look at the bead board.

Now all we need is for the Effing Grout to dry, so we can re-connect the toilet. That's all I care to say about that ... except that NO, I'm NOT enjoying this part.

2 steps forward ... 2 steps back

That's not a scientific rendering of the number of steps we've taken, in any direction, by the way. I'm just sitting here humming Paula Abdul songs (and now, so are you. You're welcome.) And yes, I know I keep fiddling with the heading of this here re-purposed blog. It's a work-in-progress. Also, I'm indecisive. But moving on:

We have a fridge! Check it out:
That's the Mr., a) looking cute, and b) showing off our excellent handiwork in getting all the shelves/drawers/etc. properly situated. I had no idea fridges were so complicated. Here it is from the outside:
Pretty! We got a sweet deal -- it's a brand-new last-year's model, courtesy of a giant warehouse out in the porn end of the valley. No website (?!?!), but they're at 8930 Mason Avenue, Chatsworth 91311.

We're also pretty much sorted on lighting, at least as far as fixtures go. We made a trip out to the Restoration Hardware Outlet in Camarillo, where we found this:
Ours has the brushed nickel finish, to go with the rest of our hardware. Also, that's totally the tile I've decided I no longer want! (But more on that later.) Again brand-new -- probably an internet return (so now you know where stuff goes when you buy online & return it: Camarillo) and they were giving an extra 20% off bath stuff "just because" that day, so outlet + sale = $51. Or as I prefer to call it, 25% of retail. Woo effing hoo!

After much more dithering about styles that one of us loved & the other hated-with-vehemence, we found these at Ikea:
Calypso, for the bedroom; and one that they don't have on the website yet but it's pendant-y & white & fun & cool, for the office. I'll post a pic once we've hung it. And by "we" I mean "our awesome handy-hombre".

So that's the cool stuff. And then, from the Dept. of Destruction: guess what was underneath all that tile in the bathroom?
MORE TILE!! We now officially have more tile than a Mexican restaurant in this house. And while I don't really dig the colors, the stuff they covered up was actually nicer than the stuff on top. Aaarggh!! Who the eff were these people? (Answer: the same people who cut through supportive studs to install windows & doors where-the-heck-ever they pleased, and did it without permits of course, which our guys now get to fix. Thank goodness for flat-fee contractors.) I'll get some more pictures of the mayhem tomorrow, but in the meantime:
Why yes, that is a demo'd bathtub on our front porch. And we're happy to see you!

ch-ch-ch-ch- changes!

Finally! a few images of what's been up with Isabelle. (Yes, that's the house's name.)

First:
In the Living Room: out with the vomit-tan, in with the greige (dammit! I miss Domino) and blue ceiling detail. Drapery to replace awful vertical blinds = a work in progress.

In the kitchen, we've secretly replaced the "oak" cabinets with these:
Let's see if she notices! But seriously ... the Mr. just finished stripping the icky varnish off the doors, so the next steps are: sand, paint, & re-attach those.

And in the hallway, just a few adjusted hinges away from completion:
Our built-ins! Here's the doors that are awaiting their pretty satin nickel hinges:
Aren't they pretty, with their non-paint-encrusted hardware? I know!!

Oh, and referring back to this entry's title ... and just because her name rhymes with Bowie:
It's Zöe**!! Wearing the shirt we got her for her birthday. (She's the most fashion-y fashionista I currently know. Girl changed her outfit 4 times that night!)

{** NOT OUR DOG!! That's my friend Bayleigh's dog. Stop congratulating us -- we just bought her a damn t-shirt!!!}

More pics on the way -- the contractor is coming!1!!

stop the presses: we agree on something!

Actually, we agree on 2 things: 1) the kitchen, as purchased, was atrocious; and 2) these light fixtures:
As of today, the kitchen is the most un-changed room** ... BUT! after emailing him 15+ (at least) ideas for light fixtures, I stumbled upon the ones pictured above, to Our Mutual Delight. They're available at Shades Of Light (which is in Virginia, and therefore charges no sales tax in CA -- haha!! Screw you, Ah-nold & the Legislature!) and we're eagerly awaiting their imminent arrival via FexEx.

** why yes, I DID re-paint the entire house myself. NO, I don't need a hobby -- thank you.

Also, after talking to four (4!) contractors, two (2!) of whom deigned to flatter us with a bid, we're moving forward with our remodeling plans. Up next: a brand-new, shiny bathroom & LOTS of rugs to cover the hideous floors.

Oh, and some pics. Eventually. Really, I swear.

on being distracted

Number of dishes in the sink: lots.

Number of days I've been wearing my husband's socks: 2

Number of days I've not made the bed, thinking that would make me change the sheets, only to exhaustedly fall asleep in the wrinkly, dirty ones: 4

Number of days since I washed my hair: ain't telling.

Laundry situation: He's out of underwear, and I've been getting dressed out of the basket full of clean laundry for a week, rather than putting it away -- which is why I haven't done another load (I need that basket to carry it to the laundry room).

BUT: the house is starting to look like somewhere I'd want to live. In reality, as opposed to that theoretical "as soon as about 50 things change" sort of way.

Pictures soon. But right now I have to go back to getting paint in my cuticles.

cost breakdown: candy buffet

One of the biggest "non-practical" elements of our wedding was our candy buffet. (It's also one of the only things featured in wedding magazines that I fell in love with. What can I say? I'm not completely impervious to pretty pictures.) I'm sure that we could have come up with a less expensive cost-per-guest party favor, but I figured that people had earned their sugar comas after all the dancing at our reception!

We had 9 different containers in our buffet: 3 apothecary jars & 2 decorative plates, all snagged at Ross. (I started looking very early in our planning process, in order to take advantage of post-Christmas sales. I basically grabbed anything white or metallic I could get my hands on.) I got creative when I found 2 big mercury class candle holders at Target (I just covered the pointy thing in the bottom with tissue paper), and I made a cake stand from a tutorial on OnceWed.com. At the last minute, I found a giant clear-glass vase that I already owned -- score!

Total: $69.18



For the candy, I realized pretty quickly that while lots of websites out there offer "discount bulk candy", the overnight shipping required to get it to Southern California in the summer, hopefully without melting, was a potential budget-buster. I got as much of it as I could at a local warehouse in downtown L.A.

10 lbs. each grapefruit sour gummies, butterscotch & Hershey's kisses = $68.88.

I got the rest from 2 online resources, and went for the 2-day shipping in protective packaging (still cheaper than overnighting it) just before temps soared for the summer.

10 lbs. each 7-up jelly bellies & white jordan almonds from bulkfoods.com = $99.56 + approx. $60 shipping.
10 lbs. "milkies" (like M&M's, but without the "M" so cheaper) & 5 lbs. champagne bubbles from Groovy Candies = $115.85 + approx. $40 shipping.

I also got 5 lbs. of white mints from Smart & Final for about $10. And somehow I got it into my head that I'd have a) the time, and b) the skill to make a thing or two. Yeah, I know ... overly ambitious = me. Fortunately, after my test run turned out poorly, I found these at Target:

White Oreos! Who knew?! (I didn't.) About $10 for 3 bags.

I made the signs for each container with leftover cardstock from our invitations -- printed at Kinko's -- and attached it with ribbon I found on sale. Instead of buying pricey labels from some online site, I printed some using Word on my home computer:

They seemed to get what I wanted to say across ... and I already had those labels, so they were free.

We decorated the table with the leftover bubble liquid bottles from our ceremony, and some matchbook notebooks that I made. I used the cardstock samples I'd bought when looking for our invitation paper, plus stamps that were in the set used on our invitations & plain computer paper. The upside to doing things yourself = re-purposing your leftovers!


I found the big scoops at a local party supply store (about $10) & decorated them with the same ribbon as on the container signs, and got the bags through a wholesale company. (I ended up with twice the amount I needed, so after selling the extras on Craigslist, they cost a net $13.)

Altogether, the candy buffet cost us about $545. Admittedly, it was kind of an extravagance, and I might have changed my mind if I'd known about the extra $100 in shipping charges from the beginning ... but it turned out beautifully, our guests loved it, and I was really proud of myself for pulling it off. So if anyone out there is planning something similar, I hope you find this useful!

stress-relief tactic

I took the bubble wrap that came with one of our wedding gifts and put it in my car. I can reach over & pop the sh*t out of it whenever the need arises.

It's actually pretty helpful.

The countdown continues: T minus 5 days

Actually, it's more like 4 days by now -- only 3.5 hours remain of this one. And I can't plan on getting anything done tomorrow, since I'm filming & my time is officially not my own. Which means that All Of This needs to happen Wednesday:

*print programs, and possibly begin assembly (Some of this could conceivably happen in S.F., but I want to have at least one prototype completed, to avoid complications.) (This would've happened today, but the template is printing screwy. The Mr. is performing triage as we speak.)

*finish making morroccan-style lanterns out of soup cans (I plan to enjoy this, as it involves hitting things with a hammer.)

*find a hairstylist who's available on Saturday (Yes, this got put off until waaay too late. I have 3 numbers to call in the morning, and I'm gathering supplies to do it myself. Eff it.)

*make labels for candy buffet & ceremony (This won't happen until the programs are ready to print. I try to limit my Kinko's exposure.)

*Separate out S.F. stuff from the Wedding Fort and prepare for transporting it north. (Mad love to T. who's letting us use her punk-rock soccer mom car!)

*Find something I already own that will work for the His-Family's-Friends dinner the night before (I know which dress, but the accessories are proving to be quite vexing.)

*Have conversation with Photographer Friend about specifics (I expect this to be a breeze -- I love this woman, and I've shot with her before.)

Honestly, all that feels pretty manageable. Well, the hair thing is slightly worrisome, but I can pull it off myself in a pinch. And I'm letting myself get some nice things from Sephora since I'm doing my own make-up. Also, my friend who works for Smashbox came through huge: I asked for a few samples, and the woman brought me real live product. Have I mentioned how much my friends rock?!

So .. what's distressing me these days, you ask? (You did. I heard you.) Oh, one or two things.
**A portion of this entry has been redacted. But I maintain that there are a couple of people who owe me an apology.**

On the flip-side of that, several people are being stellar. One of the g'men (who married our officiant last year, so he gets it) even agreed last-minute to be our "stage manager" for the S.F. stuff.

And my girls ... let me tell you about my girls. I wish I had $1000 to spend on my Maid of Honor, Our Lady of the Holiday, because she couldn't be more awesome. And my friend T., who's doing a reading during the ceremony, went with me for mani/pedi today and talked me off the ledge regarding Stupid Things That Boys Say. My girl S. is coming through like a champ with the potent potables, and I've had such love from His Sis & My Sis this week that I'm in danger of going all gooey on you.

So all in all: things are good. Unless Mr. UB finally snaps out of it (I keep waiting for him to turn to me & exclaim "Whoa -- you're crazy!!") it looks like this thing going to happen. Holy I-promised-myself-I'd-reign-in-the-swearing!

hello lethargy, my old friend

I knew this would happen. After the last two days' absurd level of productivity, today came up bust. And yet I feel like I've been "doing stuff" for hours. Sure, most of that was cursing at my bank & resetting my Target.com password. Oh, and ascertaining that I am in fact teaching tonight -- which was apparently meant to be a surprise. (Boo!) I love it when that happens.

Beyond that, I managed to replace a few out-of-stock items on our registry with things that are still available, update the list of RSVPs, and realize that the Mr. & I really do need to collaborate on the whole honeymoon registry idea ... but at least we have an account now. That's the good news.

The bad news is that we waited too long to make a deal with a hotel in L.A., and my I-hate-that-piece-of-crap cell phone currently only transmits voices via the speaker function. And my brain seems to be incapable of tallying any more receipts. Won't they organize themselves if I continue to stare at the pile on my desk?

Which is (yet another reason) why I am oh-so-grateful for Mr. UB and his amusing ways. Via text:

Him: Pierre just asked if we'd like some tropical fish linens as art touches on the buffet tables, and some tiki torches. I said yes linens, no torches. Sound good?

Me: (gulp) Not sure about fish linens - might clash with rest of decor. Can we see a pic?

Him: He says they're black with colorful tropical fish.

Now, I think that thus far I've been pretty damn zen about a lot of things. The band we wanted doubled their asking price: hello, iPod. One of the groomsmen is too broke to fly out: ask a friend to step up, or we'll just have uneven numbers. We don't have a fancy "getaway car" for the photos: will anyone even remember that?

Also -- I love me some Pierre. The guy is giving us such a deal that he'd be justified in just tossing the food out the window as he drives by. But instead he keeps thinking of all these additional touches to add in for free. But this horse needs to be reined in pronto.

Me: (trying not to hyperventilate) Gently suggest that the seashells are a minor decor touch. This isn't the Enchantment Under the Sea ball.

Him: Oh crap, I just approved one of the waiters to be dressed as a great white shark a la Eagle vs. Shark.

Okay, perhaps I deserved that.

Him again: And I've got a midget dressed as an octopus wearing a sombrero filled with chips & salsa -- for the cocktail hour.

He makes me laugh. But I still may strangle him -- I haven't quite decided.

And then I got this text from his former roommate:

I'm going to be there! Not bringing anyone, can't wait to meet your bridesmaids. You got a sister?

It's a good thing I live on the ground floor ... because I may just jump out the window.

service with an "eff u!"

I received many text updates from both Mr. UB and his best man Double L during their romp through Tuxedo Land on Sunday. After traipsing all over the city, they settled on a store that has locations across the country -- helpful, since 2 of the grooms-guys live in other states -- and no reflective fabrics were involved. All seemed well. I just needed to swing by the store to look at the ties they'd picked, to make sure the colors were going to work.

Foolish, foolish me ... thinking it was going to be easy. That I'd fretted over not being there for no reason. It turns out I had plenty of reason to worry ... I was just worried about the wrong people.

I knew something was amiss from the beginning. Salesgirl asked me for his last name. Then for our wedding date. Then for his home phone number. Nope -- nothing. No record of their having been in the building for 90 minutes just 48 hours ago. Oh, joy.

(Whipping out cell phone) Hey, babe. They can't find your information. I'm sure it's here, and boy am I enjoying watching her try to act like nothing's wrong.

(to Salesgirl) He says E* helped them.

(watching Salesgirl walk into the back & pick up the store phone) Oh dear.

Have you ever known from the very first second you heard someone's voice that you were dealing with a complete idiot? Because when Salesgirl handed me the store phone, so that I could talk to E* myself, the voice I heard belonged on a gum-chomping teenager behind the counter at Hot Topic. And I don't think I'm being unjustly harsh, based on the ensuing conversation.

Yes, they had been in the store. They had tried on lots of options. She didn't write any of it down. They hadn't officially registered with the store. Oh wait, yes they had ... we found the form he filled out somewhere random -- not filed, and not with its information entered into the computer. They hadn't been measured for sizes. Oh wait, yes they had ... those were written somewhere else, on pieces of paper not attached to his main card. There were no notes about what styles/colors they wanted anywhere on any of the various pieces of paper. But E* remembered what he liked. Oh wait, no she didn't ... because what she told Salesgirl to show me was the designer he'd said didn't fit him well. And there was a vest, which I knew he'd decided against. And she brought out 2 different shades of green ties, not 1 green & 1 blue, which is the only thing I was supposed to drop by and register my freaking opinion about!!! Ahem.

I wanted to go all 'zilla on Salesgirl, but it wasn't her fault. And I really wanted to sink my talons into E*, but what's the point? Sure, you can yell at stupid people, but it doesn't help.

So I left & went next door to Starbucks, even though their parking lot had a snarky sign about "No Starbucks Parking!" Take that, E*!

(Why do Frappucinos cause such dragon breath? What's in those things?)

d'oh!

I hate it when I'm unfairly accused of making things complicated. Yes, I have planned a wedding that includes a ceremony in one city, a dinner afterwards that is not the reception, and a reception on a different day in another city, all because I really don't want to get married in Los Angeles, a city that I have no emotional attachment to despite my having lived here for (gulp) a decade, and also because this way I can maintain the illusion that I had a small wedding while still indulging my desire to have a big silly party with all my friends. I will cop to every bit of that, and throw in a cheeky grin that says "ain't I just the darnedest?" on top of it. But this ... this is just silly.

Before we decided to have people RSVP via email, I designed a card to include with the invitations. Since I didn't want my time/effort/creative brilliance to go to waste, I used it as a picture on the website page that tells people where to email their replies. Simple, right? Not so much.

Now I'm getting emails saying that the "form" on our site is broken. People are apparently spending upwards of 20 minutes attempting to type into the graphic. Even though a mere fraction of an inch to the right it says, and I quote, "Please email to the above address & let us know if you'll be able to join us!"

Reading is fundamental people. It isn't that complicated ... well, this part isn't, anyway.

it just gets better

She was serious. Insane Caterer #3 has responded to Mr. UB's email, and she was serious. She claims that we never discussed our budget (sure, because it's easy to forget that insignificant detail in a vendor meeting), and reminded him that she hadn't even included a price for renting china. Which is odd, because he & I both recall talking about how we'd like to use eco- (and wallet-) friendly bamboo.

Other things I cannot begin to fathom: If we're paying $350 each for two chefs, and somehow have the only buffet in the world that requires six waiters, then what pray tell do the other three kitchen staff do? Forgive my ignorance, but if they aren't cooking the food or serving it, then what exactly are they doing? I imagine it's pretty special since it costs $300 per person.

Also, we really look forward to the explanation of her $2000 "production fee", which as best as I can tell from the fine print seems to include nothing more than driving the food to our location. Yes, of course -- the cost of fuel has skyrocketed in the last few years, and I'm sure that most people hold their events in her freaking kitchen, so naturally we'd expect to pay a 20% premium to have the food delivered to our venue.

Now I just have to figure out how to let the person who recommended this psycho know that "it didn't really work out."

On the upside, I managed not to swear today. At least, not here in print.

I'll be here if you need me

{A caveat if you're squeamish about these sorts of things: I'm probably going to swear in this entry.}

I've been acting like the guy in the picture up there. Well, kind of. Actually, I think I've been doing rather amazingly well with the whole shindig-planning thing, considering where I started and how steep the learning curve has been. I've been coasting along, checking items off my list (or rather, the list in the book my mom gave me.) Dress: check! Venues: check! Invitations: check! It was all going so ... very ... well. Until.

Until the fucking caterers got involved. (Hey -- I warned you.) I don't know what the hell it is about caterers. My interactions with their kind prior to this was limited to about 4 gigs as a cater waiter when I was hard-up for cash. And nobody at those events was visibly insane. Well, there was one client, but I can hardly blame the catering company for her behavior. But getting back to my point: either it's time for some Primal Scream Therapy, or I'm going to just stick my head in the sand & wait for them all to go away.

Caterer #1: Mr. UB & I had a meeting/tasting with one catering person, who was recommended by our friend/informal consultant. We loved the food, but were a little put off by the amount of the quote. Granted, we had asked her to give us the absoloute highest estimate for what we want, with all the bells & whistles, so that we could scale things back if necessary. Still, she was about $1000 more than we want to spend, so we moved on.

Caterer #2: A friend of mine recommended someone she's used before, who happens to run a restaurant I really like. They were nice, but their quote included things like a $200 fee for bringing our own alcohol. I'm sorry, but if I'm bringing the booze, why the hell would I give you $200? We'd already be paying your bartender to serve it, so what, exactly, is that fee for? Because the alternative is to buy the liquor from you at $6 a beer. And that just isn't going to happen. Also, thanks for giving us a price for 12 hours of staff, when we told you we only need five.

Caterer #3: One of my students told me that a friend of hers who used to be in the film biz now works for a catering company. She swore that by using her name, this person would deal straight with us. The Mr. & I met her for coffee, where we explained what we're hoping to do (a casual buffet), for how many people, and what our budget is. She really seemed to get it, and we really clicked with her. Or so I thought. She emailed us today ... and somehow "we'd like to do this for between $3000 - $4000" got us a $13,000 quote.

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I let Mr. UB email her back. I was afraid that all I was capable of writing was that little stream of invective above.

And bless him, not only did he manage to compose a letter that was beyond-polite. But he also sent me this text:

100 pizzas from CPK = $1500. Beer & wine only = about $500. No caterer = priceless.

Me'n the ostrich are staying put. He can take it from here.

photo source

perhaps I was overly ambitious: part 3

cost breakdown of invitations

I fear that these ended up costing more than I thought they would -- if I could even remember what I thought these things "should" cost, when I first got on this crazy ride. Ah, my long-lost naivete .... Nonetheless, I'm thrilled with how they turned out, and pretty amazed with what I was able to make happen within our budget. These figures are for a guest list of approximately 110 people.

cardstock in 2 colors: $81.00
printing: $58.01
envelopes: $25.00
envelope liners: $ 0.87
labels for addresses: $12.98
postage: $70.40
decorative stamping: $25.88
raffia ribbon: $4.20
glue sticks & dots: $7.29

total: $285.63
cost per piece: $2.10

I decided to go with cost per piece due to the one-page & two-page variations of our invitations. The vast majority of them are one-page, since we're able to include everyone at the informal party in Los Angeles. I suppose I could've figured out what percentage of the total were 1- or 2-pagers, and gotten a precise average cost per invitation ... but frankly, that's more math than I care to do.

Some of the things that helped me keep costs down:

* I found the envelopes on Craigslist -- someone had leftovers in the exact color, size & amount I needed.
* I quickly realized that it was cheaper to get cardstock from the manufacturer, even with shipping, rather than buy it 1 piece at a time whenever Michael's had it in stock ... not to mention the gas & time I saved.
* I lined our envelopes with a roll of wrapping paper on clearance from Target and leftover wallpaper I already owned.
* Rather than pay for a liner template I doubt I'd use again, I made my own.
* I bought a pack of full-sheet labels from Office Depot and cut them into wrap-around address labels.
* I taught myself how to use Photoshop, which allowed me to design our invitations, address labels & save-the-dates. It took some time, but I got exactly what I wanted, and there was no charge for proofs when I took my ideas to Mr. UB.
* We emailed our save-the-dates, which saved paper, printing & postage for that.
* All the invitations include our website, where people can email RSVPs -- again, no paper, printing or postage.

I don't suggest that my methods here are the best idea for everyone out there. It certainly helped that I had tons of free time this spring, as the acting biz was slow. I may not have been able or motivated to invest as much of my time as this took if I'd been busier. (Then again, if I'd been busier I probably could've afforded to out-source it.) Besides, I really enjoyed "the thrill of the chase" -- being on a mission that had me swinging by the gift wrap aisle of Target when I was just there for paper towels, or hunting down the company that made our cardstock (which was far more difficult than it should've been in 2009.)

Ultimately, it comes down to this: I'm stubborn. I have very particular taste, and I'm loathe to trust my vision to other people when I have the time & ability to do it myself. But I'm also very proud of myself -- so there.

pimping my new show

I normally think of this stuff as Shameless Self-Promotion, but what else is a blog, really?
ALL ABOUT JACK opens tonight. The life & times of Jack Nicholson, in all its hilarity and mayhem. No, I don't do a Jack impression (which is a good thing, believe me) but I do play Faye Dunaway, Cher, Kim Basinger, Shelley Duvall, Jane Fonda, one of the girls from "Five Easy Pieces" and two random bimbos.

If you're in L.A., or know people who are, come check us out. You'll laugh, I promise. Or you can just come to see if I actually make all 8 costume changes in time (it's a 75 minute show) -- I won't question your motives.

Now I have to go organize my costumes, and try not to barf.

ALL ABOUT JACK
Thursdays at 8pm
June 18th - July 23rd
Theatre 68 @ 5419 Sunset Blvd.
tickets at plays411.com
info line 888.227.2285

pictures of pretty things

I finally picked up my veil/hat/fascinator thingy (yes, that's a technical term) today.

It's pinned to my wig-styling head. You can tell that's not me because I don't have bangs.

And here's what was inside that pretty package from Etsy:

This little shrug is going to go over my shoulders, and hopefully make the top of my dress seem slightly less bare. Or, as my mom put it, less "too much boobs." Mr. UB claims there's no such animal ... all I know is I got to shop in order to split the difference. Hooray, diplomacy!

I'm glad I had these things to take pictures of today, because I needed a lift. Having something pretty & tangible on the wedding front is a nice change from all the kinda-still-feels-theoretical things, like getting bid after bid from caterers. Who, by the way, are all smoking crack, in my not-willing-to-go-into-debt-just-because-of-the-W-word opinion. (I understand paying a bartender to work our bar. But a flat fee to you, because we're providing our own booze? Yeah, good luck with that.)

Beyond that ... sigh. Just sigh. This stuff is getting to me. I'm trying very hard not to let it, but there you have it.

Fortunately, I have 4 different acting commitments between tomorrow & Sunday, so I'll be in a sleep-deprived haze & therefore distracted.